So it's been a while.

I guess i want to get back on this, i'm just not bothered to write in my diary as much or i forget to or whatever.

I know this may sound pathetic but i really miss having someone there. It sucks to know that all i can remember is the bad things that have happened to me, relationship wise. All i can remember is getting hurt, crying myself to sleep and trying harder to get over it and that just keeps repeating.

I dont understand it, don't i deserve to be happy?
I know i'm not the only person to feel this but seriously, i know that if i found a decent person that won't play me, cheat on me or hurt me intentionally.. i could do whatever it takes to keep them right beside me where i needed them the most. I miss having someone call me 'baby' or 'honey' or another name they had just for me, i miss hand holding and sweet talking. I don't get it. What do i need to do to just even feel that for a minute?

It's worse now because now that i've met a few really nice american guys who are genuinely gentlemen and have matured, i compare them to guys i know here and none of them meet their standards. I'm not saying that america doesn't have jerks but it just seems like they've got what i've been wanting. Guys here just keep fucking around with girls and use us like we're nothing and i hate it. Explaining why i really want to go to the states.

I know that if i find someone there, they'll fill this spot that i feel has been missing but i can't. Just sucks even more cos i've been waiting and nothings happening.