Gimp

1 Hours worth of work.
This is what i'd look like if i had Green eyes & dark brown hair.

If only i did have green eyes & dark brown hair. lol
x

Inspiration

So today i've read blogspots & talked to friends. I wish i had places to go & people to see on Saturdays, nawwmean.

But today, i realised something. I want to change.
Not like bad or good, just change. Nothing big, just the way i think mainly. Like before driving today, mother & i had arguments over the small pointless things about cleaning my room and chores. The usual. And she said "You are never going to change".
I didn't like hearing it but she said it. Then after talking to Patty and reading Dindah's blog, its like i want to be inspired to set my mentality like theirs. I don't know if that makes sense, not entirely be like them, just be more positive and stop worrying about the little things in life.

See, the way Patty is.. even though things hurt her, it doesn't matter because she's still strong. She still thinks the same and the fact that she's hurt still doesn't affect her mentality. And in Dindah's blogs, i can fully relate to how she feels. Being hurt, over thinking, loosing friends, missing the feeling of someone missing you? Like i can totes relate. But for now, no more relationships for me. Just going to get over whatever left i have for Edbie because we both know its over. But we're all good, still frands.

No Relationships = No more 'Dramas in the Bahamas'

The thing me & Kristianne say, how we can't wait for our UNI relationships. Boys become men and stop being as immature. More gentlemen like ;) but yeah, good things take time.

All these little imperfections i have make me who i am but it goes too much overboard. Too many misunderstandings, the way my mind works just makes myself hurt. I've been hurt so much and not just because of relationships, but because of the way my mind had worked. All this unimportant shit i worry about is useless, nothings going to change about them.
For eg, Susan Dang. I should seriously stop giving a fuck about her right? but i can't because i get jealous easily. I can't help but notice her comments & know that she talks to Edbie. It's just i really dont like her. --"

Like i shouldn't care anymore because 'the past is the past' right? I'm going to try and change all this. I wont assume anymore because like S. says "to assume only makes an 'ass' our of 'u' and 'me'" get it ? ahah k lame but yeah.
I'll try to stop reading into signs, signs that aren't even bloody signs. Try to stop over-analyse my waking life. See, if i do all that it'll stop making people angry and it'll stop annoying my friends. Live life as i go and take whatevers coming.

x
(how boring is this. It's all words ahah sorry guuuuys :L )

LG, Lifes Goooooood

evanderrr ; says:
"theres someone out there whos the right person for you

and you will find them, some guys are jst fcks and

they dont deserve girls like you"

That might have just been the best advice Ganga's given me.

Everythings heaps better now, i love it. No sadness, no hating, no ager. This shits greaaat :)

Nothing special today either, so fuck it. ahahha

WEEEEEKEND BABY! & not going out. fuck :L

Aj Rafael

x

New Zealand

Today was pretty interesting i must say.
Well HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAR UNCLE RUS!!

So me, Kris & Amanda were talking in Geography & it was pretty cool.
we talked about how people might know of us. Like curiosity took the most of me & it was pretty much on my mind the whole lesson. haha We also want to know what would be on people's minds. Like what they think of you & shit. We want to know who visits our pages & who would like us. hahha its fucking hard but, cos its like how the fuck dyu find out? Naamean my homies.

Library. OMG
fucking piss myself broo. haha there was this couple like all the way on the other side but we could see them hooking up & doing other shit. And Dylan the cunt went to ''get a book'' from a section right in front of the couple. haha fml i couldnt breathe, dying of laughter bro! He went back a couple times to get atlas' on New Zealand (hence the title). haah aw bro, he got some. hahah i left early though :( wish i stayed.

Ok guys, had a lovely talk with Edbie. It was pretty straight up. He said sorry, i said sorry. Susan dang's been his friend even before he met me, so its understandable but its one of those things you cnt jst take in straight away? theres always gna be assuming & shit. The best way i could explain this would be how Edbie hates Japhet. (i dont exactly hate susan but i jst dont like her) He hated/hates Japhet because i just took him to my formal. Thats it & Edbie hates the fuck outa him. haha sorry japhet if you read this. But yeah. We pretty much talked abt everything, we both feel the same & shit. We still feel for eachother & we hate it when we miss eachother but we know what we had is in the past now & its just not gna work anymore. He knows how i wna erase my memories but we both know that can't happen. We started talking heaps normal & it was good. We've got more to talk abt & shit. Yeah in the end...
me: so we're all good?
edbie: yeah we are. so no more?
me: yeaah.

So that was it. I told him to come & talk even if im there, i'll be okay with it & shit. Then i go, '' but if your with Susan Dang, fuck off'' haha :L

x

Liverpool CIty Library.

Well these past 2 days have been pretty good i guess. Been staying at Livo library & hanging with mates. Friends that help ease the pain, help me forget. My friends are all pretty hectic!

On Tuesday while me & Dylan were talking, we talking about the concept of 'knowing of people'. Ya know how you get those people that you know of? haha well that was on topic. We started mentioning all these people that we 'knew of' and shit, then i brought up about what if people know of you? its pretty weird but hectic.
You never know who they are bkos you dont know them, but in their mind its like 'hey, is that them?! whoah'. haha Naamean homies?

In photography, me & S. were reading Dindah's blog again & there was this blog where she talked abt what would happen if she died, who would care? who would get over it after a day?.
This isnt meant to full sound like i wna kill myself, but asiff it hadnt crossed your mind when someone hurt you & didnt care. You'd ask yourself if they'd come to your funeral, or if they would feel bad abt hurting you & it was the last thing they did before you passed on.

So at the library, Edbie was there. When i was leaving, i see that he'd been staying with Susan the whole time. I started getting cut & teary outside the library bkos it hurt? cos all he did was stare at me, didnt even give me a smile :( kinda sucks. When i talked to Kimberly on Satdaay, she said that there was nothing wrong about missing him. I really hate the fact that i do sometimes. Just makes everything else seem so bad --''
Like today, i thought i was strong enough to face Edbie. I kind of was, but once i saw Susan. Down the drain went the confidence :( fml.

' Everything takes time, even though you want it to happen as fast as possible. All you have to do is wait, it all comes down to how much you want it. As much as it hurts, you just gotta stay patient. ' - Denise.

Dreading Mondays.

Okay me & Wynona made up, full cried when she came up to hug me which was after me & Kristianne cried in the toilets. HAA!

And the weather,
me oh my, it was quite confusing i swear.
"just like boys".

Well last night i came across this blog and the blogs that this girl wrote were very interesting. The way that she writes makes her sound so sophisticated yet so ordinary at the same time.

'Indah Pratiwi' is this girl. I met her a while ago. She's one of those people you met and talk to heaps then after a while it fades and you just forget who they are. :L We're practically strangers now. But the words that she writes really make me think.

There was this analogy she made to a tree and how they relate to friends. You may not think that trees could relate to friends, but after reading this certain post it seemed like the most perfect way to describe them.

Leaves were the people in your life who simply come and go. The friends that could easily be blown away by anything. Whether it be loosing them to other people or simply drifting away from them (loosing them to in different seasons. If you get it) Throughout the past 2 years or so, I've realised that i've had so many leaf people in my life. Matthew Abarquez was probably the biggest leaf of them all. He was pretty much my bestfriend at the time (reguardless of him having YeYe.) He was always there for me, he knew what i was going through with jo. He'd always be there for me, cheer me up. He was a great help, then out of nowhere he drifted away from me. I really have no clue about what happened to us but he was gone. As Dindahh said ' We have to learn to let ithem go and forgive them with all your might'.

The next of the analogy included the branches, 'they all come in different shapes and sizes. You never know how strong they will be in your life.' I guess this includes people like Japhet Cabangca, Joseph Jimenez, Edbie Villanueva etc. All these people are strong in my life at some points and weak in other points. With Japhet and Jo, i'm close with these boys only sometimes. Some days we can talk for hours on end about everything and anything, and somedays we can last days, even weeks without talking. I classify them as branches because they done blow away easily because we catch up every so often. Edbie Villanueva, obviously has been strong in my life (especially recently.) I consider him a branch because he's been strong in my life, I know he's hurt me over and over again but the times where i needed him, he was always there. Even thought he doesnt give me any advice about my problems, he still fulfills the goal of listening and being there for me. As Edbie would always say "Shariza, no matter what.. You will always hear from me sooner or later, i promise you that." Therefore, a branch in my life.

The next of these were the bark of the tree. The people who are considered to protect you and 'make you look good'. I dont care about how these people make me look but its the fact that i know these people will protect me. Theyre always worried about my well-being and are just always there for me. These people are my so called 'BGC'. My Billionaiure Girls are always there, always concerned when im sad and protective of me whenever im in a position of getting hurt. All i can say is that im so thankful to have these girls care about me like they do, i'm glad that even though we've drifted apart, the way we feel about protecting eachother is still strong. Everytime this year i was in that state where i'd get hurt, or was hurting.. they would help cheer me up or want to hit the person who hurt me. haha :L Another person in this list would be lovely Sarah Fuernsinn. This girl is 'a fucking slut, the fucking bitch'. ha, nah she wanted it there but i love her for always being there as well. This girl would seriously just hate whoever hurt me, fucking punch him in the face is she really had to. She hated me sad and just kill someone with her words. These people are my bark, they protect me from harms way.

Finally, the roots. The roots don't care nothing about being seen. All they're there to do is hold the tree up and keep it in the air. These people in my life are Ate Clarisse, Kristianne & Wynona. First off, Ate Clarisse is always there for me. She's concerned whenever im sad and is there to listen, is there to point me into the right direction when it comes to my problems. She helps me make the right decisions in my times of need. I love her to the fullest because she's seriously my favourite 'Cousin'. She's one of the only people who understand me fully. She's not there to protect me, she's there to guide me. Kristianne and Wynona are the other roots. They've always been there for me. They are there whenever im crying and when i did something that they should be disappointed in me for, they're not. They understand why i made it and make sure i dont make the same mistake again and on the otherhand they still put into consideration the way i feel about things. These two girls are seriously the 'fucking best (8)'. I dont know what i'd be doing or where i'd be going without them. I seriously hope that when everyone starts going uni and drifting from every, that these 2 girls are the people i'd most likely stay in touch with. I also hope that one day i find a bestfriend to fill another space in my tree (fk, sounds heaps wrong) but takes time for everything right ?

well thats the jist of todays blog. Hope it interests you
xx.

Today.

To erase painful memories.

'After this cruel memory
is seen and said,
erase these thoughts
from my heart and head.'
- Charmed.

Oh how i wish that spell really worked.
This weekend just turned into the shittest weekend of the year.
So after i wrote yesterdays blog, i just really needed someone to talk to..
i spent half an hour trying to find someone but fail. I really miss having a best friend. Feels like i've lost so many people already. First off, Nona & Kris would be the first ones i'd call but Kris is at camp & Nonas angry at me.
I'd talk to Edbie, but i can't right now. I'd talk to my other friend, but everytime i'd call them, they'd jst end up talking abt themselves. Ate clarisse & Sarah didnt answer.
fml, so i looked thru my fone & called Kimberly Anne.
She was a great help, my so called 'part-time bestfriend'.
I think the fact that a close friends mad at me made me more vulnerable to feeling hurt. I think it triggered everything else, i started feeling pain from Edbie too.
Fuck my life. I swear, i just dont want to go to school tmr :(
just run away from my fears.

Saw Edbie today too, i was talking to my mum & out of nowhere his there with his I-Ask boyz. He gave me this look, a mixture of every emotion put together in 1 stupid stare. I blanked out and i waved. i stopped talking to my mother & forgot what we talked about.

I hope im strong enough for these fears of mine.

A heart can be broken; but it keeps beating just the same.
-- Fried Green Tomatoes


Todays effed. Did nothing but bra & underwear shopping. ahah Hektik, i wish i had a job.
Then i went driving, Prestons, M5, Prestons. 3-Point turning and parallel parking.
Hecticcc mate (Y)

Okay i just read my friend's blog.
And i knew she'd take it the wrong way. What i did, i did for them 2.
All the troubles you two people were having, seriously i was only helping. I'm so sorry if you got cut okay. Seriously i am. But it was only to benefit you two.
He needed advice, so i gave it to him. It wasn't dog because i was helping.
Seriously, nothing was happening between you'se two because of these barriers you both had. I was making the process easier so you'd both would snap out of this 'sadness' you'se were in. The unhappiness you'se felt.

Now this makes me feel like shit. Helping people and being called dog.
It just adds on to everything else im feeling because of Edbie and shit.
Now gotta face school in a day with 2 fears.
Greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat (Y)
Fuck my life.

Everyday holds the potential for beauty.

This anger that i had was so full of hate that i didnt even know how much of Edbie's actions i took to heart. On the 12th of August, i wrote a little entry in my phone & the anger was so overwhelming.
'Edbie, i fucking hate you. I may not be capable of hating but you come close. Whenever i see you, i feel like punching something in the face. After hearing all those things you did with other girls, your so full of it. You like the game, you never wanted me. you liked the fact that i wasn't yours and you knew how easy it is for me to fall for you again. You like fucking around with my feelings and emotions. I hate you for hurting me. You make my life so much more complicated. Why would you do that? You knew that i loved you, so you show me yourself that you lied to me. Its the fucking worst. You dont deserve to know how i feel Edbie, you dont deserve anything from me.'
I seriously didnt know how much of it had taken over, how much of it had eaten away at me in as little as a week.

Dear Self,
I can feel that invincible feeling of happiness slowly fading away. I dont know whats causing it, it may be everything or it may be nothing. All i know is that slowly my happiness fades.

Shariza, I swear to God. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why does this happen to you? I know it kills you because i can feel it. Edbie was no good for you yet you still accepted him whenever he came back. It took you at least 5 times to learn your lesson & an extra 5 chances of getting hurt but im glad you did learn. Clearing the air was a smart move cause it also cleared your mind & relieved you of your hate.

Take things slowly this time. Take them slowly so that you do it properly, one step at a time. Baby steps if you have too. As long as later you'll be okay. I know your strong enough to do this. Just survive the rest of these 6 weeks then he wont be there anymore. I know everytime you see him, all of your hurt, anger, happiness and whatever will come back but Shariza, no more Edbie.

Shariza, your strong & your heart will soon mend. Its just a matter of time. These events will help build you up, help make you stronger & help make you wiser.

Love, Shariza.

Liverpool Library

Here again, saw Patty & Eddie there. They spent the whole day together ;) ahah

HAPPY 3 MONTHS WYNONA & MIGNICALS.
(Nona & Juan my life) AHHAHAA :L
These two love birds are the cutest. I remember at the beginning of the year, trying to get them to talk about each other more often. Then both started to admit that they like each other, they started talking but were scared of talking. It built up and they started going out.
CUTEST COUPLE OUT.

Normal average daaay, nothing speshhhh.
Went to the library with Kimberly Anne, Kristianne, Wynona & Miguel
We gave the couple time and spent time with the other two. AHAHAHHA saw a guy that looked like Chin Chin. aha
We took photos on Jon's Lappy, we saw the two trannies that come to livo heaps.
KRISTIANNE LOST HER PHONE AGAIN! MUTHA EFFFFFF!

Day was boraaang, hopefully tomorrows a better day.

"Trying to forget a lifetime of memories is like trying to remember a moment that never happened"
- Kristianne Sadio's Blog.


Goodbye for now okay?

Words filled with Inspiration

Well today was the first day i was happy. I felt so frikking relieved of everything.
No more troubles with Edbie, no more worrying and crying. Guys, I'm free :D

So today after school, i went the library with Kimberly Anne and we bumped into her friend Patty. I was doing my maths homework, Kimberly was writing my letter and Patty was studying. After Kim left, it was just us two & i could hear Edbie's voice screaming out "Alden" at the library so it became the topic of conversation.

Patricia Montecinos has the best advice ever. Her advice made so much sense. So first topic was Edbie right?
First we discussed my 'Low Self-Esteem'. She said how the boy finds the girls weaknesses to help them, the low selfesteem gives the boy a good opportunity for him to compliment them as much as they can. Eg. If you have low self-esteem, they'll compliment you on how beautiful and pretty you are. Edbie was my first love and im stuck to the idea of him always being there. When i say i still want to be friends with him is because i always came to him whenever i needed him. With this i need to be strong, revenge isn't the right way because he'll be miserable some other day, i have no right to say. I told her how out of all his ex's, i was the one he wasn't whipped for (excluding this year) and every guy is whipped, it just depends on the girl that he's whipped for.

Good relationships start with friendships.

Then we started talking about randoms and shit (because some guy randomly came up to us and started asking for our names bkos he rememberd Patty from somewhere HAHA :L) i told her about my random, hot train guy and she said that if the guy really wants a girl then he'll do anything. Don't give out your number to randoms because they might just be fucking around, if he really wants it then he'll try and come see you and randomly 'bump into you' a lot.

Familia was next topic. No matter what, respect your parents no matter who they are (even if theyre junkies and shit) . Even when your arguing with them and you know that your right, dont correct them because sooner or later, they will figure out that they were wrong. The worst thing for a parent is to find out that they're a failure or to find out that they've let to whole family down. Even if your parent doesnt want to talk to you or ask about your day, it may be because of stress, But if you were to go missing, your mother would die. (whoah, sounds heaps bad ) But thats seriously how much they love you.

FML I can't remember everything we talked about :( but thats the jist of it.

OMG when i was walking to library with Kimberly Anne, Edbie was on the other side of the road with Alden & Melson. We were waiting for the lights to go so we could cross and Edbie just stood there staring, while Alden was still walking away. Edbie's in the staring mode again, where he realises everything .. when things hit him twice as hard .. when he realises that he doesnt have me anymore.

S'all for today kiddddies.

2nd Week of trials.

Proverbs 4:23
' Protect your heart for it is the well being of your life..'

Okay guys, i cleared the air with Edbie. It went a bit weird bkos first i was happy, then i was sad then i was angry!
hah fml bro. But yuuh, he didn't want to know why i was angry (like all the lies & shit) so yuuh i didnt tell him. I told him that he shouldn't talk to me, like unless its really important. I said i'd talk to him when im ready to.

Omg, then fahh after i called Emilynn. Eff bro, hectic convo! lol but fml, he full tried to find my blog after we talked on the fone so me & Em were having a heart attack trying to change my link. ahhahahaha but it was fail :( he already read why i was so so so angry at him. Which sucks, cos i wanted to tell him myself which raises the question of why he didnt just ask me. He said that my emotions didnt affect him at the game, he was just concentrating on the game so i took back saying sorry abt distracting him.

On the fone with Miss Emilynn, omg. hah She's hectic, she full has some american accent ;) but yeeah, then we talked abt pretty much everything while being interupted by her dog & Edbie. We're gna hang & shit at the city, we'll full be tight & stuff :)

Atm, i'm feeling pretty good. I feel like the path seems more clearer to walk through, that what i did made things easier. I just hope my happy feeling stays again, it really helps bkos all i have to do now is block him out. Its for the best because I was so sick of trying for nothing, wasting my time on false hope & crying myself to sleep.

I feel good guuys. Hecticc
xx.


Say Goodbye - Chris Brown

' Baby come here,
sit down, lets talk,
I got a lot to say,
so i guess i'll start by..
saying that i love you
but ya know this thing ain't been
no walk in the park for us.. '

Anger is no good.

OMG FUCK THIS! lol my fucking computer & its 'BlueScreen' shit. omg
ahaha welll ..

This time i had a hectic Satday =)
First off, i bought my lovely heels for 47.45$
from 100$, because it was 50% off then another 5% off that.
AHHA WHOOO.
Then i went to the game, which was down fall.
I broke Kristianne & Wynona's promise to not look at his page,
i looked and he's already started calling that Susan Dang chick.
FUCK. I just can't. Muthafuck omg.
Like his doing a bang up job at getting me heaps angry but to the point of not breathing because its too much. He came to the ball courts and i couldn't stop swearing, i couldn't stop hitting the floor.
But then he got affected by it, he stopped shooting with his boys and just sat down by himself while i started trying to rip metal apart from the playground outside. I was the photographer for the game and started tearing up, and he got affected by my emotions that he couldn't shoot anything in, he couldn't play properly. So i felt realllly bad.
Mixed Nuts lost by 1 point. I felt fking guilty because if it weren't for me, Edbie would've gotten those shots in like he usually does. So after i texted him saying sorry that my anger affected his ability to play. He didn't reply but i wasn't expecting him to.
I'll let him suffer for another 1-2 weeks before i clear the air between me & him. I hate how its ended, it sucks that his cut and im angry like fuck. So ill talk to him and just stop this hating .. not just for him but for me too. I'll stop having the need for air, i wont swear and wont hit everything, it'll be better.

OMG SURAAAAJBHAI'S PARTAAAY!
ahah so Wynona & Kristianne got ready at my place. FUCK ME BRO! AHAHAH
had heaps of fun reading my diary and recording our hectic 'remix' songs. ahah
We felt as if noone was gna go the the party aha lol but we came 1hr and a half late :)
I DANCED, ATE, DID WHATVER ! ahha hectic party, couldve danced heaps more but the boys didnt like when the girls danced sooo eff that! LOL
Im going clubbing especially with ..
BGC, Bernard, Cwiz and Karen OMG haha


KML theyre the best people to dance with bro. ahah

I'm sick of it all.

First of all, hello bloggers :)
Wynona, Kristianne, Sarah, Angel & Emem
Sorry haven't blogged in a while, computers fucked up :( the comps got some virus & like its called 'Blue Screen'
Yuuhs, effed bro.
--
Anywaays, I'm so sick of being angry & being hurt & hating you. It's too fucking much. Everytime i see you, i swear like no tmr & just hit everything i can untill my hand goes red. Then in class, its weird, i feel like theres so much hate & anger in me that i can't breathe. Its weird i know but idno, i need fresh air. I dont like how it ended, i dont want us hating eachother.

I just cant seem to believe you'd do that to me, i can't believe you would when i told you how i loved you. Even now i see your status pop up & Antoniette tells me your with Vickee at fucking 7pm.. again! Fuck this, yoou make it so hard to not hate you. When i hurt you last year, i was decent enough to say sorry & to help cheer you up. But this year, you've hurt me so many fucking times & couldnt even fucking pick up your balls and say sorry for hurting me, instead you make this situation worse than it is & fucking spend so much time with these other girls & you couldnt do that with me.

KML! i swear. :(