Mufti Day at the senior school, i loove the events and freedom that you get at this school. We've had more mufti days & pupil free days than the 4 years at the girls school put together. Fuck yeah.
Jafat came buck from fils todaaay,
called him & he was going to pick up Carlala from school.
I swear i hate him, ahaha. He's soo good to her.
He felt bad for making her cry, so the next day he went over to her house to look after her the whole day because she was sick. Kiligs yeaa?
Went to the library to find shit for my geography, fucking out of 2 whole files on Wattle Grove .. there was only 1 article on the lake. faaaaah, waste of time. But got to hang with the lovely couple (juanona).
Aw, on the bus when you turned around to talk to me,
it made me feel good. Idk but it did.
And btw, no i did not break the butterfly,
it fell off.
You made my day.
10w.
July 31, 2009
July 30, 2009
Double Englash.
Fuck. So today was shit.
I hate visual arts cos teachers a major dickhead,
I'm thinking about dropping geography,
Ritual didn't happen & had to pay for my own food,
Feel like shit cos my endurance is going down and the 'fuck everything' feelings going away.
fuck it. lol and legs still aching from basketball tryouts from tuesdaaay!
but yeah fuck it omg.
JUST FUCK EVERYTHING SERIOUSLY.
My friend started talking to me again last night but didn't say sorry for going off at me, he's so complicated like seriously. As if he's the only one in this world who's ever gotten hurt, but he's not. Ive been through so much more shit than him. He comes to me and tells me how girls are all the same, how girls don't try at all and we just don't give a fuck. He comes to the fucking wrong person, don't tell me i haven't tried because i have. Don't tell me that i don't care because i've always been there for him regardless of all the pain he caused me last year. Even when we hung at the city, he kept wishing Nona or Kris or everyone else was there, that just makes me feel like he uses me to get to them. Like i don't mind them & hanging with them but why do you need me to ask them if they wna hang. fuck.
I miss my dad,
I wna talk to my friends but i can't. I wna tell them whats really on my mind like i usually do but they'll get disappointed in me, they'll look down. I can take it from anyone else because they aren't as important but my close friends, its too hard.
And you .. you haven't left my mind.
back to square one again.
FUCKING LMFAO LMFAO!
10:57pm - Watching the 'Edbie suicide video'
FUCKING FUNNNY EZ! aha nathan's a cunt.
Nathan: I'm nathan biag, add me on facebook please. Thankyou
Carlos: CARLOS MENDEZZZZ!
Nathan: fuck carlos mendez !
AHAHHAHA made my night.
I hate visual arts cos teachers a major dickhead,
I'm thinking about dropping geography,
Ritual didn't happen & had to pay for my own food,
Feel like shit cos my endurance is going down and the 'fuck everything' feelings going away.
fuck it. lol and legs still aching from basketball tryouts from tuesdaaay!
but yeah fuck it omg.
JUST FUCK EVERYTHING SERIOUSLY.
My friend started talking to me again last night but didn't say sorry for going off at me, he's so complicated like seriously. As if he's the only one in this world who's ever gotten hurt, but he's not. Ive been through so much more shit than him. He comes to me and tells me how girls are all the same, how girls don't try at all and we just don't give a fuck. He comes to the fucking wrong person, don't tell me i haven't tried because i have. Don't tell me that i don't care because i've always been there for him regardless of all the pain he caused me last year. Even when we hung at the city, he kept wishing Nona or Kris or everyone else was there, that just makes me feel like he uses me to get to them. Like i don't mind them & hanging with them but why do you need me to ask them if they wna hang. fuck.
I miss my dad,
I wna talk to my friends but i can't. I wna tell them whats really on my mind like i usually do but they'll get disappointed in me, they'll look down. I can take it from anyone else because they aren't as important but my close friends, its too hard.
And you .. you haven't left my mind.
back to square one again.
FUCKING LMFAO LMFAO!
10:57pm - Watching the 'Edbie suicide video'
FUCKING FUNNNY EZ! aha nathan's a cunt.
Nathan: I'm nathan biag, add me on facebook please. Thankyou
Carlos: CARLOS MENDEZZZZ!
Nathan: fuck carlos mendez !
AHAHHAHA made my night.
July 29, 2009
You.
I don't know what it is,
but whenever we do talk .. no matter what.
My heart over rules my mind everytime.
10.
but whenever we do talk .. no matter what.
My heart over rules my mind everytime.
10.
Happy Birthday my lovely Kristiannneeee =)
This Ain't Sex - Usher .. on repeat ;)
So i stayed up last night doing her birthday 'story thing' and i called at 12am but ms. Wynona Pacheco fucking told her not to answer. So muthafuck i didn't call buck :( The baby of the group is finally legal. lol Now 2 more years till' clubbing & grinding. fuck yeah. aha
Do you ever get that feeling where you can't talk to your close friends because you just can't? chyeah felt that today, idk i wanted to but i couldn't. There was just some barrier blocking me from them. I miss BGC, the old bgc. Back in the day with out tb hair that needed volume, playin' bball at lunch and just laugh at nothing till we got abs. Our group is falling apart, we're not as close anymore and we're all falling into our own bestfriends groups. We stick with the ones we're close to and those without bestfriends go from group to group. Senior school has fucked that all up :(
I miss my billionaire girls. We knew it was gna change but i think im the only one who actually notices the split or just admits it.
Well yuuuuus, home early today because i needed to start on my geo & chem. Ganga showed me the video of edbie doing suicides. LMFAOLMFAO!
At the begining: What, i cant see edbie? Which one is he?
Ganga: oh dw, he'll start to stand out
-- half way through
me: AWWW LMFAO!
I want the endurance to keep up this feeeling, i really hope it stays. I'm happy & stupid again, like i was at the begining of the year but i still crave the happiness he gave me because i know i can't get it anywhere else. All im doing now is blocking my feelings out but i dont know whether its changing or not. efffffffff.
Havent talked to Jo yet since he went off at me. Oh geeez.
i miss my dad.
10weeks.
So i stayed up last night doing her birthday 'story thing' and i called at 12am but ms. Wynona Pacheco fucking told her not to answer. So muthafuck i didn't call buck :( The baby of the group is finally legal. lol Now 2 more years till' clubbing & grinding. fuck yeah. aha
Do you ever get that feeling where you can't talk to your close friends because you just can't? chyeah felt that today, idk i wanted to but i couldn't. There was just some barrier blocking me from them. I miss BGC, the old bgc. Back in the day with out tb hair that needed volume, playin' bball at lunch and just laugh at nothing till we got abs. Our group is falling apart, we're not as close anymore and we're all falling into our own bestfriends groups. We stick with the ones we're close to and those without bestfriends go from group to group. Senior school has fucked that all up :(
I miss my billionaire girls. We knew it was gna change but i think im the only one who actually notices the split or just admits it.
Well yuuuuus, home early today because i needed to start on my geo & chem. Ganga showed me the video of edbie doing suicides. LMFAOLMFAO!
At the begining: What, i cant see edbie? Which one is he?
Ganga: oh dw, he'll start to stand out
-- half way through
me: AWWW LMFAO!
I want the endurance to keep up this feeeling, i really hope it stays. I'm happy & stupid again, like i was at the begining of the year but i still crave the happiness he gave me because i know i can't get it anywhere else. All im doing now is blocking my feelings out but i dont know whether its changing or not. efffffffff.
Havent talked to Jo yet since he went off at me. Oh geeez.
i miss my dad.
10weeks.
July 28, 2009
Day 2
(8) We ain't having sex, we're making moments that will out last the world. This ain't sex, this is a symbol of the two making love .. - usher
2nd day of this lovelyyyyy feeeeling :D
Oh geee, Basketball tryouts :(
faah bro, im so faaaaaat ! it full kills and i have low endurance
and like there was only 12 of us.
Me, Nona, Shasha, Kafren, Aimee, Mae, Alyssa, Antoniette, Maria, Llana, Kim & Angelique.
LOL that should be our team eh ?
Well as a "baller", i suck at shooting and anything to do with scoring. I can only defend :( but i get tired of running. Geeeez, how unfit am i !
My feet hurt from wearing converse omg, and my face went reallly raaad.
Well yr12's finished early so the school was kind of empty and the usual lunch & just talking.
Note to self - Start Geography, Chemistry, Study for Maths.
FUCK.
Well last night i had the maddessst conversations with Jerome & Emilynn. (y) Good job guys. lol
i miss my fatherrrr :'(
10weeks.
2nd day of this lovelyyyyy feeeeling :D
Oh geee, Basketball tryouts :(
faah bro, im so faaaaaat ! it full kills and i have low endurance
and like there was only 12 of us.
Me, Nona, Shasha, Kafren, Aimee, Mae, Alyssa, Antoniette, Maria, Llana, Kim & Angelique.
LOL that should be our team eh ?
Well as a "baller", i suck at shooting and anything to do with scoring. I can only defend :( but i get tired of running. Geeeez, how unfit am i !
My feet hurt from wearing converse omg, and my face went reallly raaad.
Well yr12's finished early so the school was kind of empty and the usual lunch & just talking.
Note to self - Start Geography, Chemistry, Study for Maths.
FUCK.
Well last night i had the maddessst conversations with Jerome & Emilynn. (y) Good job guys. lol
i miss my fatherrrr :'(
10weeks.
July 27, 2009
First Day of Term 3.
OMG. School the muthafuck, but it was good. The usual 6 periods and falling asleep in Visual Arts (I swear i am going to drop it in yr 12). After school on the bus i was just contemplating about everything and just thinking about what i feel..
I felt so free on the bus, i was just smiling out of nowhere. I wasn't hurt or anything, there wasnt one ounce of sadness in me and it was the best feeling i've ever gotten. Im free of trying for anyone, free of getting hurt by the same person, im just free. Just fuck everything seriously and it made me feel so much better, even though i might have a tad bit of anger in me, everything else around me i so great. At Westfield, i couldn't stop smiling because i was proud that i stopped crying and hurting, i was proud that i actually got somewhere and stuck to what i said.
IM SOO FUCKING GREAT RIGHT NOW, whoohoo.
I still feel for him, but it doesn't matter anymore. My feelings just got me nowhere. So I've just gotten some type of boost where i feel so good, like nothing can rain on my parade. =)
OMG, drove to school today. HEKTIK.
lol nearly drove on the curb because i forgot to break on a round about but who cares, ahha i've done like 3.5 hours and i've only driven 4 times.
Shariza feels accomplished.
I felt so free on the bus, i was just smiling out of nowhere. I wasn't hurt or anything, there wasnt one ounce of sadness in me and it was the best feeling i've ever gotten. Im free of trying for anyone, free of getting hurt by the same person, im just free. Just fuck everything seriously and it made me feel so much better, even though i might have a tad bit of anger in me, everything else around me i so great. At Westfield, i couldn't stop smiling because i was proud that i stopped crying and hurting, i was proud that i actually got somewhere and stuck to what i said.
IM SOO FUCKING GREAT RIGHT NOW, whoohoo.
I still feel for him, but it doesn't matter anymore. My feelings just got me nowhere. So I've just gotten some type of boost where i feel so good, like nothing can rain on my parade. =)
OMG, drove to school today. HEKTIK.
lol nearly drove on the curb because i forgot to break on a round about but who cares, ahha i've done like 3.5 hours and i've only driven 4 times.
Shariza feels accomplished.
July 26, 2009
July Holidays.
Dreading school bro.
Well these holidays started earlier & began on the first Saturday.
July 11, Saturday
Planned an outing with Joseph Gabriel (Igor) so we could "relieve" ourselves of everything. Yaknow the usual problems so we went city. As usual Igor came late, like fucking 1 and a half hours so i was at Granville station just playing tetris while randoms would just come and sit next to me. The station guards would just walk passed every 10 minutes wondering how long i'd be staying there. aha faggot. He came and we walked to Market City and i was drawn to a shoe sale so i left him in the food court by himself while i went to shoe box.
After we walked to Darling Harbour and there was a massive Ferris Wheel & i wanted to go on. :L We stood infront of the lady for like 10 minutes looking at the prices and it took another 10 minutes to explain to him the specials because Jo's kind of slow. We had to get the 'couple' ticket so we'd get $4 cheaper. ahha Jo's slick plan was .. he'd pay for the ticket so we'd look like a couple then i'd pay him back when we were in the carriage. Fucking idiot, but it worked. We were on the wheel and we both got to reminiscing, me about Edbie and him about Pat. He had always wanted to do something like that with pat and i'd always wanted to do something like that with Edbie because he was shit scared of heights. aha It was fucking freezing and he kept swearing at the people and looking up to see if there was an on/off button. Then he goes..
Jo: OH SHIIIIIT !
Me: What ?
Jo: Look, it says "Smile your on camera"
FUCK, we couldnt stop laughing ahah then he kept screaming "Excusee me, if you can hear me.. can you please turn off the aircon ? its just a bit cold here, THANKYOU" aha
At darling harbour we laughed at "pakwaan indian" (idk his lame), we walked all the way to QVB and we saw 'JUSTICE CREW"
Aw bro ! haha these halfie boys are sexy, so me & Jo just watched the rest of the performances and i gave them $1.50 ;) HAHA & we bumped into my lovely Cotton On friend, Alice.
Usual day at the city.
July 13, Monday
A day spent with my lovely Kristianne. So i woke up at 10am and she hadn't woken up so i watched Lion King 2, Best movie :D She called at like 11:30 and we planned to go Wattle Grove. I got there and i apparently looked like "white girl" :L i dno how but i did. We took photographs of bloody rubbish, rocks, ducks, water, trees and everything else you find at Wattle Grove Lake, which took like 30mins and spent the rest of the 2 hours talking about what happened at Pgb's Party. FUCKING MUTHA FUCK. I missed out on so much shit at Melson's, its totally not fair that i didnt get to go but next year. ha, go spastick and shit lol.
July 14, Tuesday (BGC COOKING DAY)
Welcome buck Alyssa !
Aw, i love my girls. Aimee, Alyssa, Katherine, Kristianne, Pauline, Sharlyne, Wynona & Zelda (L) Entree - Sung Cho Bao
Main - Somethng from Masterchef because Aimee's Obsessed. :)
Dessert - Sticky Date Pudding and Cinamon Sticks
Well the Main people took too long so our entree got cold, aha and we started experimenting with honey, sugar, maple syrup. HAHA FUCKING DISGUSTING
while we were all eating our meals, Aimee finished first and we started teasing her because shes a fatshit, aha and we go "We'll wait for dessert okay? like 15 minutes" then she goes " WHAAT? are you guys being serious? " ahha when we all couldnt breathe properly cos we were all full. AHA
Then while the rest of the girls were downstairs me, Wynona and Kris were upstairs in Pauline's bed laughing at nothing for like half an hour. LOL got abs by then.
We played a game where if you lost, you'd get powder on your face and the losers were Mae & Kris. AHA looked all like aboriginals at the end of the day.
July 16, Thursday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVELY IMMAREEE!
So this day, i cancelled everything i had planned because i was heaps excited about something and i was waiting for it and it never ended up coming. Sucks yeah ?
Kris called me & we went westf just bumming and talking about EVERYTHING. aha Its nice to just eat and sit down and talk, seems heaps mature.
July 17, Friday
Kris called me again and asked if we wanted to hang and do my re-growth! aha fucking ugliest regrowth out. So after her dentist appointment i picked her up from Casula Mall and we bought hair dye. haha On the way home we played "The Line Game" which is something we share in common, we ended up dying anyways. haa ! She did my hair, i did hers, she did my eyebrows then we watched "Gothika" aha thought i'd be like really scary but its one of those movies where theres a twist and yeah. I left the hair dye in for 2.5hours and we went up to go wash it out. FUCK BRO, i had ranga roots & still do. aha but its okay and we watched 'Dusk Till' Dawn' and Kris kicked me of the bed. lol Her parents were heaps lost so i dropped her to the closest roundabout at like 10pm.
July 20, Monday
Bussed it to Mayon's house looking like a faggot and giving all silvers to the busdriver :) then me, Mayon, Bernard & Marvi watched 'The Unborn', 'Victoria's Secret' OMFG, theyre so hot LOL and then we ate some type of meat with rice then just bummed upstairs. MISSION: me & Bernard walked all the way to my house. Faah, the bridge near Sule College is a fucking mission but the sky was turning orange and pink so it was a hektik view.
Well these holidays started earlier & began on the first Saturday.
July 11, Saturday
Planned an outing with Joseph Gabriel (Igor) so we could "relieve" ourselves of everything. Yaknow the usual problems so we went city. As usual Igor came late, like fucking 1 and a half hours so i was at Granville station just playing tetris while randoms would just come and sit next to me. The station guards would just walk passed every 10 minutes wondering how long i'd be staying there. aha faggot. He came and we walked to Market City and i was drawn to a shoe sale so i left him in the food court by himself while i went to shoe box.
After we walked to Darling Harbour and there was a massive Ferris Wheel & i wanted to go on. :L We stood infront of the lady for like 10 minutes looking at the prices and it took another 10 minutes to explain to him the specials because Jo's kind of slow. We had to get the 'couple' ticket so we'd get $4 cheaper. ahha Jo's slick plan was .. he'd pay for the ticket so we'd look like a couple then i'd pay him back when we were in the carriage. Fucking idiot, but it worked. We were on the wheel and we both got to reminiscing, me about Edbie and him about Pat. He had always wanted to do something like that with pat and i'd always wanted to do something like that with Edbie because he was shit scared of heights. aha It was fucking freezing and he kept swearing at the people and looking up to see if there was an on/off button. Then he goes..
Jo: OH SHIIIIIT !
Me: What ?
Jo: Look, it says "Smile your on camera"
FUCK, we couldnt stop laughing ahah then he kept screaming "Excusee me, if you can hear me.. can you please turn off the aircon ? its just a bit cold here, THANKYOU" aha
At darling harbour we laughed at "pakwaan indian" (idk his lame), we walked all the way to QVB and we saw 'JUSTICE CREW"
Aw bro ! haha these halfie boys are sexy, so me & Jo just watched the rest of the performances and i gave them $1.50 ;) HAHA & we bumped into my lovely Cotton On friend, Alice.
Usual day at the city.
July 13, Monday
A day spent with my lovely Kristianne. So i woke up at 10am and she hadn't woken up so i watched Lion King 2, Best movie :D She called at like 11:30 and we planned to go Wattle Grove. I got there and i apparently looked like "white girl" :L i dno how but i did. We took photographs of bloody rubbish, rocks, ducks, water, trees and everything else you find at Wattle Grove Lake, which took like 30mins and spent the rest of the 2 hours talking about what happened at Pgb's Party. FUCKING MUTHA FUCK. I missed out on so much shit at Melson's, its totally not fair that i didnt get to go but next year. ha, go spastick and shit lol.
July 14, Tuesday (BGC COOKING DAY)
Welcome buck Alyssa !
Aw, i love my girls. Aimee, Alyssa, Katherine, Kristianne, Pauline, Sharlyne, Wynona & Zelda (L) Entree - Sung Cho Bao
Main - Somethng from Masterchef because Aimee's Obsessed. :)
Dessert - Sticky Date Pudding and Cinamon Sticks
Well the Main people took too long so our entree got cold, aha and we started experimenting with honey, sugar, maple syrup. HAHA FUCKING DISGUSTING
while we were all eating our meals, Aimee finished first and we started teasing her because shes a fatshit, aha and we go "We'll wait for dessert okay? like 15 minutes" then she goes " WHAAT? are you guys being serious? " ahha when we all couldnt breathe properly cos we were all full. AHA
Then while the rest of the girls were downstairs me, Wynona and Kris were upstairs in Pauline's bed laughing at nothing for like half an hour. LOL got abs by then.
We played a game where if you lost, you'd get powder on your face and the losers were Mae & Kris. AHA looked all like aboriginals at the end of the day.
July 16, Thursday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVELY IMMAREEE!
So this day, i cancelled everything i had planned because i was heaps excited about something and i was waiting for it and it never ended up coming. Sucks yeah ?
Kris called me & we went westf just bumming and talking about EVERYTHING. aha Its nice to just eat and sit down and talk, seems heaps mature.
July 17, Friday
Kris called me again and asked if we wanted to hang and do my re-growth! aha fucking ugliest regrowth out. So after her dentist appointment i picked her up from Casula Mall and we bought hair dye. haha On the way home we played "The Line Game" which is something we share in common, we ended up dying anyways. haa ! She did my hair, i did hers, she did my eyebrows then we watched "Gothika" aha thought i'd be like really scary but its one of those movies where theres a twist and yeah. I left the hair dye in for 2.5hours and we went up to go wash it out. FUCK BRO, i had ranga roots & still do. aha but its okay and we watched 'Dusk Till' Dawn' and Kris kicked me of the bed. lol Her parents were heaps lost so i dropped her to the closest roundabout at like 10pm.
July 20, Monday
Bussed it to Mayon's house looking like a faggot and giving all silvers to the busdriver :) then me, Mayon, Bernard & Marvi watched 'The Unborn', 'Victoria's Secret' OMFG, theyre so hot LOL and then we ate some type of meat with rice then just bummed upstairs. MISSION: me & Bernard walked all the way to my house. Faah, the bridge near Sule College is a fucking mission but the sky was turning orange and pink so it was a hektik view.
July 21, Tuesday
So today was heaps povo so i went over ate Clarisse's house. Best day ever broo, i loove my ate to bits. First we just caught up and stuff, so i told her about my life and she told me about hers, then all this complications happening between our circle of familyy friends :( sucks, never gna be the same again. We played around the the Mac's and the talking thing on it and watched some youtube vids of my boyfriend (Aj Rafael) and Cathy Nguyen. Then we all went to ate Camille's work and we played 10 pin bowling which was fail because i lost by one fucking point --" then we ate a feaast LOL couldnt breathe for like 1 hour. Then we played mini golf ahha the maddest and another group of people came and this one guy was wearing a long coat like them vampires so i thought he was going to kill us. aha My mind is just a tad bit dramatic :) after i had this hektik hot chocolate and didnt drink it till 20 mins later cos it was fucking beautiful. I slept over and we watched Supernatural the rest of the night.
AHAH we both had dreams that night .
Ate Clarisse - Dream about dating Sam Winchester and Dean Winchester (too much Supernatural) so it was like full unrealistic
Mine- This involves the 'I-Ask Boyz' + Edward. eff bro, idk hardout realistic and shit. lol
July 22, Wednesday
Went to city with Kristianne and Terence. Aw bro these kids have the weirdest minds out. ahah they wanted a "Random Day" so they got it and i had to tag along with these faggots. We dissed Kris about her "Pool house without a pool" & "Robobonk" and dissed Terence about chucking shits in public and we got him. ahha We didnt see the 'JUSTICE CREW' today :( shame, but its still gooood. On my way to G-field, some hot halfie came into the carriage and kept staring, i got off the train and he peeped out the carriage. NGAWW i hate these momments because you never see them again in your life. aha OMG
July 23, Thursday
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEORGIA!
So i had to go with my family to olympic pools and look after them because my uncle was sick and yeaah. I LOVE MY COUSINS, theyre all younger but soo cute aha. See them just splashing in the water and trying not to swallow water. ha LOL I met this baby that came along, his the cutest thing ever ! We look related because we have the same hair colour !
After i went to Livo to go back to Wattle Grove to take some photos for my assignment and i did that in 10 mins. Then waited another 30 mins for the next bus, it came fucking late and started raining and had no umbrella. I HATE PULIC TRANSPORT !
July 24, Friday
Hung out with Ganga (Evander), Doung, Shasha and Duane. We watched 'Drag me to hell'
Funny yet scary movie. LOL seriously, Sha hit herself with the bag and i always had my hands covering my face. LOL we went to 'The Square' and soo many fobs thur. There were apparently alot of footy players there but i wouldn't know so i didnt care. ahaha After travelled to Livo and was meant to go Yd with Kimberly Anne but she cancelled. So me and Kris waited in livo for 2 hours doing nothing and finding something to do but fail. So we went home and prepared for Pauline's Sweet 16th.
July 25, Saturday
Aw well, everyone came and we ate. Then it all began when the 'Tectonik Boyz' started dancing and they wanted to 'crump' and wanted me & Wynona to vs eachother. aha never happend. We all danced and yaknow the usual. Me, Kris, Katherine, Aimee, Alyssa, Nona, Mae, Suraj, Doung, Ganga, Shasha were upstairs screaming over ideas on how to give pauline her present. We ended up lining up in order and giving her the 'gag present' the spelling out her name with the letters then gave her the addidas shoes. aww yay.
After this, me, Kris, Bernard, Cwiz & Jattan went hardout dancing and shit. I CANT WAIT TO GO CLUBBING OMG! and LMAO @ Jattan tryna dance to rnb, his so unco like you dont understanddd ! LOL, he smelt like shit toooo ! :)
by the end of the night, our feet all hurt from jumping around in heels and dancing the night away, slept straight away!
July 23, 2009
Edbie Cerenio Villanueva
July 23
The love that i feel for you, the love that i have for you is my motivation to let you go, to give up and just not care. I'm going to suppress my feelings so that it'll be so deep down that i wont be able to feel it anymore. I'm suppressing my love for you because i know it'll never go away, i've been trying to not feel for you for the passed 2 months or so but we both know it wasn't working. If it did, i wouldn't be here writing all these fucking pointless blogs. I'll know when its fully suppressed when i walk passed you and smile and truthfully don't feel anything for you. When i can be happy without the worry of loving you again.
July 24
This year has been so much trouble, for both of us. Ups & downs that we couldn't fix, that were the same problem over & over again. I know that we both truly wanted it to work at some point but i don't think that wanting it to work is enough for this relationship to last. I tried, I held on for a month or two trying to get us back together but it just wasn't enough. I really don't know what was wrong with us though, was it the timing? Was it our feelings? Was it lack of trying? I really have no clue.
Edbie, I love you. But not enough to just keep doing this.
Truthfully, I'm just sick of it and i wouldn't be surprised if you were too. Relationships shouldn't be so much work, it shouldn't be so hard to just keep each other happy, it shouldn't be like this. I see other couples and wonder what we don't have that they do .. but that's a question noone can answer.
After you read my blog and we talked .. you said "how do you want me to react to that?"
Edbie, i get you. Seriously i do, but the way you said it seemed like you couldn't care less. I got pissed so i blocked you out of my mind, literally. After Monday, not one thought of you crossed my mind and i was just free of it, then on Thursday i was keeping Nona company at work and we were talking about my day at the city and then her eyes went bigger. She whispered under her breath "edbie.. ". I continued on with my story but in my mind i knew you were looking. I went toilet and came back and she said you were looking for me. After then thoughts of you popped in my mind and i couldn't prevent them from coming back.
I'm hurting again, but i havent cried yet. Its not a crying type of hurt, its more of an angry type of hurt. I know we're both sick of trying to make this work and we know it'll never work with who we are now. We're just different i guess. But i don't regret having you in my life and i mean it. You were the first person i truly loved and made me happy excluding all the pain. A happiness noone else could've given me. I might say how i regret us getting back this year and how many time i took you back but only helps me with my hurt and anger.
Right now, i think its best for us not to talk. Every time i got this angry feeling, i did something so sudden.. like i ended everything with us forever or i wrote "The Last Blog", but after each time you ended up talking to me after a couple of days so it stuffed up how i felt about everything again and i was back to square one, confused.
So after this blog Edbie, just do me a favour and not talk/call/message me okay?
I know that i'd want you to but no matter what. Because after this i'll be able to just supress everything easier without hesitation, i won't need to have second thoughts on my actions then do something and make myself hurt again. I'll do you a favour too okay, after this .. i wont write anymore blogs about being hurt, cry, or be all cut at school. I'll return to my old self where i'd laugh and be stupid at lunch, where i wouldn't stare at you because i miss you and i would just enjoy my day at school. I'll (8)smile even though my hearts aching ..
You know later on when we're both good, it'll be good for us. Our conversations wouldn't be as dull and predictable like the ususal 'Hows your day? How are you? What are you doing?"
You'll find a girl that'll make you happy and you will fall head over heels for. A girl who understands everything that your going through and be there for you no matter what. A girl who will try for you and not care about the outcomes, a girl who won't over think each step of the way and just live in the moment. And i'll find the same.
When were good, i hope we do become close like we said we would because your still one of the guys that i trust the most and that will listen. And you can come to me anytime whenever you have any problems in your life because you know im here, ive always be there for you Edbie.
I wont forget anything later on, but now .. i might forget a bit to relieve me of things but later i'll regain those memories and then wont forget anything. You know how good my memory is and all my thoughts are written down in my diary. I've still got everything that we ever had and i wont chuck them away, ill treasure them like all our movie tickets, all my bustickets from going to your house, your rose, the paper you gave and some letters i wrote to you.
I wasn't gna post this till later but then i realised that you've got your trials coming up and then studying for Hsc, so it was now or never.
Take care of yourself okay Edbie, i wouldnt want anything happening to you. Im here for you no matter what and i'll always care about you. Deep down, there'll always be something there for you.
This wont be a Goodbye okay ?
It's more of a 'I'll Talk to you Later" :)
okay ttyls Edbie Cerenio Villanueva
I'm Missing You - Bobby Tinsley
Ay Bay Bay (remix) - Hurricane Chris
Unperfect Love - Israel ft Slim
Addicted - Stevie Hoang
Moment in Time - Cherish
Where Did He Go - Keri Hilson
I Miss You - Jenson
Kiss me thru the Phone (EMAIL) aha
Forever - DC
What I Need - Deepside
Did you wrong - Pleasure P
Thankyou - Jay Sean
..
Turn My Swag On - Souljah Boy
The love that i feel for you, the love that i have for you is my motivation to let you go, to give up and just not care. I'm going to suppress my feelings so that it'll be so deep down that i wont be able to feel it anymore. I'm suppressing my love for you because i know it'll never go away, i've been trying to not feel for you for the passed 2 months or so but we both know it wasn't working. If it did, i wouldn't be here writing all these fucking pointless blogs. I'll know when its fully suppressed when i walk passed you and smile and truthfully don't feel anything for you. When i can be happy without the worry of loving you again.
July 24
This year has been so much trouble, for both of us. Ups & downs that we couldn't fix, that were the same problem over & over again. I know that we both truly wanted it to work at some point but i don't think that wanting it to work is enough for this relationship to last. I tried, I held on for a month or two trying to get us back together but it just wasn't enough. I really don't know what was wrong with us though, was it the timing? Was it our feelings? Was it lack of trying? I really have no clue.
Edbie, I love you. But not enough to just keep doing this.
Truthfully, I'm just sick of it and i wouldn't be surprised if you were too. Relationships shouldn't be so much work, it shouldn't be so hard to just keep each other happy, it shouldn't be like this. I see other couples and wonder what we don't have that they do .. but that's a question noone can answer.
After you read my blog and we talked .. you said "how do you want me to react to that?"
Edbie, i get you. Seriously i do, but the way you said it seemed like you couldn't care less. I got pissed so i blocked you out of my mind, literally. After Monday, not one thought of you crossed my mind and i was just free of it, then on Thursday i was keeping Nona company at work and we were talking about my day at the city and then her eyes went bigger. She whispered under her breath "edbie.. ". I continued on with my story but in my mind i knew you were looking. I went toilet and came back and she said you were looking for me. After then thoughts of you popped in my mind and i couldn't prevent them from coming back.
I'm hurting again, but i havent cried yet. Its not a crying type of hurt, its more of an angry type of hurt. I know we're both sick of trying to make this work and we know it'll never work with who we are now. We're just different i guess. But i don't regret having you in my life and i mean it. You were the first person i truly loved and made me happy excluding all the pain. A happiness noone else could've given me. I might say how i regret us getting back this year and how many time i took you back but only helps me with my hurt and anger.
Right now, i think its best for us not to talk. Every time i got this angry feeling, i did something so sudden.. like i ended everything with us forever or i wrote "The Last Blog", but after each time you ended up talking to me after a couple of days so it stuffed up how i felt about everything again and i was back to square one, confused.
So after this blog Edbie, just do me a favour and not talk/call/message me okay?
I know that i'd want you to but no matter what. Because after this i'll be able to just supress everything easier without hesitation, i won't need to have second thoughts on my actions then do something and make myself hurt again. I'll do you a favour too okay, after this .. i wont write anymore blogs about being hurt, cry, or be all cut at school. I'll return to my old self where i'd laugh and be stupid at lunch, where i wouldn't stare at you because i miss you and i would just enjoy my day at school. I'll (8)smile even though my hearts aching ..
You know later on when we're both good, it'll be good for us. Our conversations wouldn't be as dull and predictable like the ususal 'Hows your day? How are you? What are you doing?"
You'll find a girl that'll make you happy and you will fall head over heels for. A girl who understands everything that your going through and be there for you no matter what. A girl who will try for you and not care about the outcomes, a girl who won't over think each step of the way and just live in the moment. And i'll find the same.
When were good, i hope we do become close like we said we would because your still one of the guys that i trust the most and that will listen. And you can come to me anytime whenever you have any problems in your life because you know im here, ive always be there for you Edbie.
I wont forget anything later on, but now .. i might forget a bit to relieve me of things but later i'll regain those memories and then wont forget anything. You know how good my memory is and all my thoughts are written down in my diary. I've still got everything that we ever had and i wont chuck them away, ill treasure them like all our movie tickets, all my bustickets from going to your house, your rose, the paper you gave and some letters i wrote to you.
I wasn't gna post this till later but then i realised that you've got your trials coming up and then studying for Hsc, so it was now or never.
Take care of yourself okay Edbie, i wouldnt want anything happening to you. Im here for you no matter what and i'll always care about you. Deep down, there'll always be something there for you.
This wont be a Goodbye okay ?
It's more of a 'I'll Talk to you Later" :)
okay ttyls Edbie Cerenio Villanueva
I'm Missing You - Bobby Tinsley
Ay Bay Bay (remix) - Hurricane Chris
Unperfect Love - Israel ft Slim
Addicted - Stevie Hoang
Moment in Time - Cherish
Where Did He Go - Keri Hilson
I Miss You - Jenson
Kiss me thru the Phone (EMAIL) aha
Forever - DC
What I Need - Deepside
Did you wrong - Pleasure P
Thankyou - Jay Sean
..
Turn My Swag On - Souljah Boy
A Thousand Goodbyes - Travis Garland
"How many times?
It's hard to say
That I've waken up next to a note on the bed
Got on a plane I'll be back next week
And left without so much as a kiss on the cheek
You're always gone and I'm never home
You taught me everything I know about being alone
What do I do when I need you, who do I call?
When I don't wanna do it no more
I'm not trying, making you hurt
You're getting exactly what you deserve
You can't tell me that I don't
Have every reason in this world to leave you right now
I can count a thousand times that you made me cry
A thousand games that you use to play
And so I guess that's a thousand goodbyes
A thousand goodbyes
Its all that i have to say
Tell me what you're thinking
When I told you that me and you
We are finally over
Making a memory
That's ancient history
I know I can't help but keep this over my shoulder
Love is like a mark that never goes away
And you got part of my heart that I forever gave away
What do I do when I need you
Who do I call
'cause I don't want to do this no more
I'm not trying, making you hurt
You're getting exactly what you deserve
You can't tell me
That I don't
Have every reason in this world to leave you right now
I can count a thousand times that you made me cry
A thousand games that you use to play
And so I guess that's a thousand goodbyes
A thousand goodbyes
Its all that i have to say
There's nothing that's harder for me
In this world and
Not be your girl
But I won't stand for cheating and the lies
You're no kind of man
You won't get any respect from me
'cause you were never there, you neglected me
I'd rather spend my nights with somebody
Who treats me like
I'm suppose to be treated all along
Man I gave you everything, gave you my time, I gave you my heart
But you couldn't give me anything in return
For all the late nights I worried about you
A thousand times you didn't call
A thousand tears you never cried
All I have left for you
Is a thousand goodbyes
... It's all that I have
It's all that I have
To say
For all the lies a thousand goodbyes"
I couldn't think of a better song
I really dont fucking get it, why would you talk to me again and say "i'd talk to you now or never before it was too late" then act like you did the last time.
It's hard to say
That I've waken up next to a note on the bed
Got on a plane I'll be back next week
And left without so much as a kiss on the cheek
You're always gone and I'm never home
You taught me everything I know about being alone
What do I do when I need you, who do I call?
When I don't wanna do it no more
I'm not trying, making you hurt
You're getting exactly what you deserve
You can't tell me that I don't
Have every reason in this world to leave you right now
I can count a thousand times that you made me cry
A thousand games that you use to play
And so I guess that's a thousand goodbyes
A thousand goodbyes
Its all that i have to say
Tell me what you're thinking
When I told you that me and you
We are finally over
Making a memory
That's ancient history
I know I can't help but keep this over my shoulder
Love is like a mark that never goes away
And you got part of my heart that I forever gave away
What do I do when I need you
Who do I call
'cause I don't want to do this no more
I'm not trying, making you hurt
You're getting exactly what you deserve
You can't tell me
That I don't
Have every reason in this world to leave you right now
I can count a thousand times that you made me cry
A thousand games that you use to play
And so I guess that's a thousand goodbyes
A thousand goodbyes
Its all that i have to say
There's nothing that's harder for me
In this world and
Not be your girl
But I won't stand for cheating and the lies
You're no kind of man
You won't get any respect from me
'cause you were never there, you neglected me
I'd rather spend my nights with somebody
Who treats me like
I'm suppose to be treated all along
Man I gave you everything, gave you my time, I gave you my heart
But you couldn't give me anything in return
For all the late nights I worried about you
A thousand times you didn't call
A thousand tears you never cried
All I have left for you
Is a thousand goodbyes
... It's all that I have
It's all that I have
To say
For all the lies a thousand goodbyes"
I couldn't think of a better song
I really dont fucking get it, why would you talk to me again and say "i'd talk to you now or never before it was too late" then act like you did the last time.
July 19, 2009
Love
Remember how you said ... "I miss you, sometimes i think 'oh shariza' then get bored'' AHAHA
lol yeah your not the only one ;)
--
I had a massive talk with my friend last night.
We literally talked about everything and some things came up.
I told her what i wrote in my last blog, about telling you how my feelings are still growing and how im still falling. Then her face went all weird.
She told me that i do love you already.
And the thing is .. i think shes right.
It explains so much and makes more sense like that.
I didnt want it to happen like this though, i didnt want a friend to tell me i've fallen for you
I wanted to admit it to myself and i wanted to tell you myself whenever i was ready, when it was the right time. But there never is a right time because every day, hour, minute, second is the right time.
She said that i've always loved you, its always been in me the whole time but i havent been feeling it till now. Which is probably true because i told you how some part of me will always love you. It made so much sense after that. I couldnt even sleep last night, i ended up sleeping at like 6am because so much was on my mind.
She told me her point of view with what was happening with us, she reckons that we have really bad timing. Like last year when you started liking me again, my feelings werent as strong so we didnt work. Then this year before i left for Philippines you loved me, but i didnt love you and now i think i do love you but your probably dont love me. We're never at the same level when it comes to our feelings. Even 2 years ago, i was whipped but you werent. There was never a time where we loved eachother equally or felt for eachother the same.
I dont think its a good thing to admit to myself that i love you but its too late. That subject has already passed through and its one of the only things that make sense in this.
Yaknow, i was going to tell you all this whenever we'd talk next but i wouldnt know when it would be, so this is the only way i could tell you things. Its my only form of communication to you.
I really dont get whats stopping us from being together. Like i dont get it. I think about what she said but thats not a big enough reason for us not to be togther, there isnt one unless our feelings have changed.
Okay well thats pretty much all i wanted to say to you.
ily.
Ps. I miss you.
Addicted - Stevie Hoang
".. Do you still of me?
Like i think about you
Do you still dream of me?
'Cause i can't sleep without you
Tell me if time should make a change
Then why do i feel the same?
Your love has got me addicted.. "
lol yeah your not the only one ;)
--
I had a massive talk with my friend last night.
We literally talked about everything and some things came up.
I told her what i wrote in my last blog, about telling you how my feelings are still growing and how im still falling. Then her face went all weird.
She told me that i do love you already.
And the thing is .. i think shes right.
It explains so much and makes more sense like that.
I didnt want it to happen like this though, i didnt want a friend to tell me i've fallen for you
I wanted to admit it to myself and i wanted to tell you myself whenever i was ready, when it was the right time. But there never is a right time because every day, hour, minute, second is the right time.
She said that i've always loved you, its always been in me the whole time but i havent been feeling it till now. Which is probably true because i told you how some part of me will always love you. It made so much sense after that. I couldnt even sleep last night, i ended up sleeping at like 6am because so much was on my mind.
She told me her point of view with what was happening with us, she reckons that we have really bad timing. Like last year when you started liking me again, my feelings werent as strong so we didnt work. Then this year before i left for Philippines you loved me, but i didnt love you and now i think i do love you but your probably dont love me. We're never at the same level when it comes to our feelings. Even 2 years ago, i was whipped but you werent. There was never a time where we loved eachother equally or felt for eachother the same.
I dont think its a good thing to admit to myself that i love you but its too late. That subject has already passed through and its one of the only things that make sense in this.
Yaknow, i was going to tell you all this whenever we'd talk next but i wouldnt know when it would be, so this is the only way i could tell you things. Its my only form of communication to you.
I really dont get whats stopping us from being together. Like i dont get it. I think about what she said but thats not a big enough reason for us not to be togther, there isnt one unless our feelings have changed.
Okay well thats pretty much all i wanted to say to you.
ily.
Ps. I miss you.
Addicted - Stevie Hoang
".. Do you still of me?
Like i think about you
Do you still dream of me?
'Cause i can't sleep without you
Tell me if time should make a change
Then why do i feel the same?
Your love has got me addicted.. "
July 18, 2009
I hate my mind.
Since you started talking to me again, things have been different.
You've stopped my crying and the pain doesnt hurt me like it did before and im so thankful for that.
I HATE the way i think beause its really killing me. If my mind was different, i woulnt be so insecure about evrything therefore there wouldnt be so many problems. I see things differently than others. I see something small and some how its a sign and i turn it into something bigger. It ends up giving me hope or hurting me in the end and its fucking up my emotions so bad.
Even though i dont really know where we are or even if we are anything,
my feelings are still growing and im still falling.
The thing is, i dont know if thats a good thing or bad thing with where ever we're going right now or if were even going anywhere.
Over the time that ive known you, ive learnt some things.
Sometimes when you say you'll call, you dont and whenever you tell me, i always get a vibe telling me you wont but i still end up waiting.
So can you please do me a favour?
Dont say your going to call unless you actually are okay? say you'll "talk to me later" because i wont be waiting.
I know im a pain with this but i cant really help it, you know that.
I guess ill be talking to you whenever, hopefully sooon.
Ps. I miss you.
Where did he go - Keri Hilson
..I'm a mess right now, out of order
I'm torn up, i'm goin' down
Won't you hold me together? i'm pourin' out
I need you, thats how i feel
I refuse to believe
You do not think of me like i do you
If im right then show me, come through
'Cause i been needin' you lately ..
You've stopped my crying and the pain doesnt hurt me like it did before and im so thankful for that.
I HATE the way i think beause its really killing me. If my mind was different, i woulnt be so insecure about evrything therefore there wouldnt be so many problems. I see things differently than others. I see something small and some how its a sign and i turn it into something bigger. It ends up giving me hope or hurting me in the end and its fucking up my emotions so bad.
Even though i dont really know where we are or even if we are anything,
my feelings are still growing and im still falling.
The thing is, i dont know if thats a good thing or bad thing with where ever we're going right now or if were even going anywhere.
Over the time that ive known you, ive learnt some things.
Sometimes when you say you'll call, you dont and whenever you tell me, i always get a vibe telling me you wont but i still end up waiting.
So can you please do me a favour?
Dont say your going to call unless you actually are okay? say you'll "talk to me later" because i wont be waiting.
I know im a pain with this but i cant really help it, you know that.
I guess ill be talking to you whenever, hopefully sooon.
Ps. I miss you.
Where did he go - Keri Hilson
..I'm a mess right now, out of order
I'm torn up, i'm goin' down
Won't you hold me together? i'm pourin' out
I need you, thats how i feel
I refuse to believe
You do not think of me like i do you
If im right then show me, come through
'Cause i been needin' you lately ..
July 13, 2009
Thankyou - Jay Sean
So i guess it wasnt the last blog?
Talking to me relieved me of so much. All of today, i didnt hurt as much as i usually do. It seemed as if talking to you made things seem better, made things seem like i tried for something good, that it wasnt for nothing.
You know what? Yesterday was the one of the first times you ever talked to me first ever since we broke up ? yeah, it felt better.
I dont know why, but i cried after we got off. I had a sudden urge to re-read all my blogs over and over, so i did.
I hate how people dont understand what im feeling or what im going through. It frustrates me because sometimes i can't really explain what im feeling or whats going through my mind. It all makes sense in my head but when i put it in words, it doesnt come out right. I hate how some couples with the same problems as us dont realise what im going through. They dont see it like i do, we go through the same things yet they just still hate on our relationship.
Like i said to my friend ..
/S. Reezuuh says:
alot of people are afraid of love and what it can do
/S. Reezuuh says:
what it can change
/S. Reezuuh says:
it changes alot, but once youve been through it
/S. Reezuuh says:
you'll be able to experience the happiness and pain that come with it.
/S. Reezuuh says:
its a happieness no friend can give you, a happieness youll never forget
/S. Reezuuh says:
but then again its a pain only a loved one can give you, and a pain that you'll feel
Some people just dont get how i feel because they havent been through what i've been through.
After giving me that song, its been on repeat all day.
".. I would lie, I would try
I would die for you baby,
You know i would for you .. "
Im over thinking everything too much. Am i getting my hopes up just a bit too high?
I hate how i think and how my mind works. It kills me and it annoys you.
Unperfect Love - Israel ft. Slim
".. From the moment that i saw you babe
Thought that we would be so good
The situations got my time of day
Find it hard to make it through
I know we have our moment
'Cos when things go wrong
But no matter what we go
Though we seem to carry
Sometimes i wanna let go
But then i keep holding on
So what we gona do baby
With This Unperfect Love.. "
Did you wrong - Pleasure P
".. I don't wanna loose this relationship
So we gotta stay strong
Dont wanna move on
I know your sick and tired of the fussin'
And the fighting and the cussin'
But I Love You
And You Love Me Too .. "
I still miss you, no matter what i write down or how im feeling.
Talking to me relieved me of so much. All of today, i didnt hurt as much as i usually do. It seemed as if talking to you made things seem better, made things seem like i tried for something good, that it wasnt for nothing.
You know what? Yesterday was the one of the first times you ever talked to me first ever since we broke up ? yeah, it felt better.
I dont know why, but i cried after we got off. I had a sudden urge to re-read all my blogs over and over, so i did.
I hate how people dont understand what im feeling or what im going through. It frustrates me because sometimes i can't really explain what im feeling or whats going through my mind. It all makes sense in my head but when i put it in words, it doesnt come out right. I hate how some couples with the same problems as us dont realise what im going through. They dont see it like i do, we go through the same things yet they just still hate on our relationship.
Like i said to my friend ..
/S. Reezuuh says:
alot of people are afraid of love and what it can do
/S. Reezuuh says:
what it can change
/S. Reezuuh says:
it changes alot, but once youve been through it
/S. Reezuuh says:
you'll be able to experience the happiness and pain that come with it.
/S. Reezuuh says:
its a happieness no friend can give you, a happieness youll never forget
/S. Reezuuh says:
but then again its a pain only a loved one can give you, and a pain that you'll feel
Some people just dont get how i feel because they havent been through what i've been through.
After giving me that song, its been on repeat all day.
".. I would lie, I would try
I would die for you baby,
You know i would for you .. "
Im over thinking everything too much. Am i getting my hopes up just a bit too high?
I hate how i think and how my mind works. It kills me and it annoys you.
Unperfect Love - Israel ft. Slim
".. From the moment that i saw you babe
Thought that we would be so good
The situations got my time of day
Find it hard to make it through
I know we have our moment
'Cos when things go wrong
But no matter what we go
Though we seem to carry
Sometimes i wanna let go
But then i keep holding on
So what we gona do baby
With This Unperfect Love.. "
Did you wrong - Pleasure P
".. I don't wanna loose this relationship
So we gotta stay strong
Dont wanna move on
I know your sick and tired of the fussin'
And the fighting and the cussin'
But I Love You
And You Love Me Too .. "
I still miss you, no matter what i write down or how im feeling.
July 8, 2009
I still miss you
And there'll always be a part of me that'll never change.
With that part of me, I'll never forget our memories,
Never forget who i was whenever i was with you,
Never forget who you were when you were with me,
A part of me that'll always feel for you, like you said a "soft spot".
Never, okay?
With that part of me, I'll never forget our memories,
Never forget who i was whenever i was with you,
Never forget who you were when you were with me,
A part of me that'll always feel for you, like you said a "soft spot".
Never, okay?
I Tried.
I tried telling you how much i wanted to be with you in so many ways and i dont know if you still got it. I told ate clarisse and sarah to tell you how much i missed you and how much i talked about you, i gave you my blog which you only have and consists of all my thoughts throughout the passed month or so, then i do what not a lot of girls can do. I talk to you face to face, i hug you and try to tell you face to face which was the hardest.
At the beginging of the day, i really thought it would work. I thought that doing that wouldve impressed you, that telling you face to face would really help things. I had nothing else to lose i guess. Talking to you face to face and telling you how much im hurting and miss you was so hard like you dont understand. Talking to you face to face was the worst because i didnt know what was gna happen. I kept saying 'what if' but my friend was like "shariza, no. Dont think 'what if'. It doesnt matter. If you really want him then do it no matter what." so i did and this was what happened.
When i hugged you and felt nothing back, it was the most coldest hug ive ever recieved (well didnt even get a hug back). Not hugging me back cut me like crazy, you said "shariza, if i dont hug you i'll look like a dickhead" yet you still didnt put your arms around me and kept your hands by your side. I wanted to hold on to you longer but there was no use, it'd just hurt me more because you wouldnt have hugged me back anyway.
When you said you couldnt right now, my heart broke into more pieces than it already was. Telling me we couldnt be together this time after trying so hard hurt so much. Even though we talked, i feel like you didnt say everything you did but then again, it might just be the way i think. And i get it now, you have priorities like school and the shit happening with your dad and you dont need me to add on to the problems in your life.
The thing with you is, it doesnt hit you till later on. Even if its in front of your face, you dont see it sometimes. So i did this and i still dno if it hit you or not.
Ate clarisse told me how you told her we talked. Then you walked off saying 'I'm fucking pissed off!" Edbie, i dont fucking get it ? why are you pissed. Is it because i wanted to talk in person and tell you how im feeling ?
Well im sorry then. You know how much courage it took to just even talk to you or even hug you? i dont get why you would be angry. Really i dont.
Edbie, I tried. I tried hard and it still didnt work, it still wasnt good enough.
Theres nothing else i couldve done to make it work. I fucking tried, i really did :(
Smile - Charlie Chaplin
Smile tho'your heart is aching,
SmileEven though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,
If you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile-
What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.
This is what i'll do. I'll try to hide my pain but i know ill still feel it. I'll feel it 10x harder but i'll deal with it. I dont want to go cold so the only way out is to feel. I'll smile but people'll know that theres pain behind it but they'll know why.
It's hurting , it's hurting. i want it to go away.
GO AWAY, GO AWAY, GO FUCKING AWAY!
At the beginging of the day, i really thought it would work. I thought that doing that wouldve impressed you, that telling you face to face would really help things. I had nothing else to lose i guess. Talking to you face to face and telling you how much im hurting and miss you was so hard like you dont understand. Talking to you face to face was the worst because i didnt know what was gna happen. I kept saying 'what if' but my friend was like "shariza, no. Dont think 'what if'. It doesnt matter. If you really want him then do it no matter what." so i did and this was what happened.
When i hugged you and felt nothing back, it was the most coldest hug ive ever recieved (well didnt even get a hug back). Not hugging me back cut me like crazy, you said "shariza, if i dont hug you i'll look like a dickhead" yet you still didnt put your arms around me and kept your hands by your side. I wanted to hold on to you longer but there was no use, it'd just hurt me more because you wouldnt have hugged me back anyway.
When you said you couldnt right now, my heart broke into more pieces than it already was. Telling me we couldnt be together this time after trying so hard hurt so much. Even though we talked, i feel like you didnt say everything you did but then again, it might just be the way i think. And i get it now, you have priorities like school and the shit happening with your dad and you dont need me to add on to the problems in your life.
The thing with you is, it doesnt hit you till later on. Even if its in front of your face, you dont see it sometimes. So i did this and i still dno if it hit you or not.
Ate clarisse told me how you told her we talked. Then you walked off saying 'I'm fucking pissed off!" Edbie, i dont fucking get it ? why are you pissed. Is it because i wanted to talk in person and tell you how im feeling ?
Well im sorry then. You know how much courage it took to just even talk to you or even hug you? i dont get why you would be angry. Really i dont.
Edbie, I tried. I tried hard and it still didnt work, it still wasnt good enough.
Theres nothing else i couldve done to make it work. I fucking tried, i really did :(
Smile - Charlie Chaplin
Smile tho'your heart is aching,
SmileEven though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,
If you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile-
What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.
This is what i'll do. I'll try to hide my pain but i know ill still feel it. I'll feel it 10x harder but i'll deal with it. I dont want to go cold so the only way out is to feel. I'll smile but people'll know that theres pain behind it but they'll know why.
It's hurting , it's hurting. i want it to go away.
GO AWAY, GO AWAY, GO FUCKING AWAY!
July 5, 2009
I hate love - Claude Kelly
I hate the mornings
Cause I know what they bring
You get up and take a shower in no time, your leaving
And it sounds so selfish
But i cant help but think
That if you knew how much i needed you
Youd stay cause
I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
Ive had enough
Im sick of wishing you was around me every day, every nightits way too much
I hate love yeahh yeahhh
I hate love yeahh woooo
I hate your phone calls
In the middle of the day
Cause you do is remind that my baby is so far away
It drives me crazy
Cause i need you with me
I know its time for you to understand what i say that
I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
Ive had enough
Im sick of wishing you was around me every day, every nightits way too much
I hate love yeahh yeahhh
I dont want to feel this alone
Everytime you walked out that door (I cant help it)
I start missing you (I cant help it no)
Wish I didnt need you this much (I cant help it)
But i love how it feels when we touch
I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
Ive had enough
Im sick of wishing you was around me every day, every nightits way too much
I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
Ive had enoughIm sick of wishing you was around me every day, every nightits way too much
I hate love
I hate love
I hate love
Cause I know what they bring
You get up and take a shower in no time, your leaving
And it sounds so selfish
But i cant help but think
That if you knew how much i needed you
Youd stay cause
I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
Ive had enough
Im sick of wishing you was around me every day, every nightits way too much
I hate love yeahh yeahhh
I hate love yeahh woooo
I hate your phone calls
In the middle of the day
Cause you do is remind that my baby is so far away
It drives me crazy
Cause i need you with me
I know its time for you to understand what i say that
I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
Ive had enough
Im sick of wishing you was around me every day, every nightits way too much
I hate love yeahh yeahhh
I dont want to feel this alone
Everytime you walked out that door (I cant help it)
I start missing you (I cant help it no)
Wish I didnt need you this much (I cant help it)
But i love how it feels when we touch
I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
Ive had enough
Im sick of wishing you was around me every day, every nightits way too much
I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
Ive had enoughIm sick of wishing you was around me every day, every nightits way too much
I hate love
I hate love
I hate love
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