I Tried.

I tried telling you how much i wanted to be with you in so many ways and i dont know if you still got it. I told ate clarisse and sarah to tell you how much i missed you and how much i talked about you, i gave you my blog which you only have and consists of all my thoughts throughout the passed month or so, then i do what not a lot of girls can do. I talk to you face to face, i hug you and try to tell you face to face which was the hardest.

At the beginging of the day, i really thought it would work. I thought that doing that wouldve impressed you, that telling you face to face would really help things. I had nothing else to lose i guess. Talking to you face to face and telling you how much im hurting and miss you was so hard like you dont understand. Talking to you face to face was the worst because i didnt know what was gna happen. I kept saying 'what if' but my friend was like "shariza, no. Dont think 'what if'. It doesnt matter. If you really want him then do it no matter what." so i did and this was what happened.

When i hugged you and felt nothing back, it was the most coldest hug ive ever recieved (well didnt even get a hug back). Not hugging me back cut me like crazy, you said "shariza, if i dont hug you i'll look like a dickhead" yet you still didnt put your arms around me and kept your hands by your side. I wanted to hold on to you longer but there was no use, it'd just hurt me more because you wouldnt have hugged me back anyway.

When you said you couldnt right now, my heart broke into more pieces than it already was. Telling me we couldnt be together this time after trying so hard hurt so much. Even though we talked, i feel like you didnt say everything you did but then again, it might just be the way i think. And i get it now, you have priorities like school and the shit happening with your dad and you dont need me to add on to the problems in your life.

The thing with you is, it doesnt hit you till later on. Even if its in front of your face, you dont see it sometimes. So i did this and i still dno if it hit you or not.
Ate clarisse told me how you told her we talked. Then you walked off saying 'I'm fucking pissed off!" Edbie, i dont fucking get it ? why are you pissed. Is it because i wanted to talk in person and tell you how im feeling ?
Well im sorry then. You know how much courage it took to just even talk to you or even hug you? i dont get why you would be angry. Really i dont.

Edbie, I tried. I tried hard and it still didnt work, it still wasnt good enough.

Theres nothing else i couldve done to make it work. I fucking tried, i really did :(




Smile - Charlie Chaplin

Smile tho'your heart is aching,
SmileEven though it's breaking,

When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,
If you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile-
What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.



This is what i'll do. I'll try to hide my pain but i know ill still feel it. I'll feel it 10x harder but i'll deal with it. I dont want to go cold so the only way out is to feel. I'll smile but people'll know that theres pain behind it but they'll know why.

It's hurting , it's hurting. i want it to go away.
GO AWAY, GO AWAY, GO FUCKING AWAY!