The love that i feel for you, the love that i have for you is my motivation to let you go, to give up and just not care. I'm going to suppress my feelings so that it'll be so deep down that i wont be able to feel it anymore. I'm suppressing my love for you because i know it'll never go away, i've been trying to not feel for you for the passed 2 months or so but we both know it wasn't working. If it did, i wouldn't be here writing all these fucking pointless blogs. I'll know when its fully suppressed when i walk passed you and smile and truthfully don't feel anything for you. When i can be happy without the worry of loving you again.
July 24
This year has been so much trouble, for both of us. Ups & downs that we couldn't fix, that were the same problem over & over again. I know that we both truly wanted it to work at some point but i don't think that wanting it to work is enough for this relationship to last. I tried, I held on for a month or two trying to get us back together but it just wasn't enough. I really don't know what was wrong with us though, was it the timing? Was it our feelings? Was it lack of trying? I really have no clue.
Edbie, I love you. But not enough to just keep doing this.
Truthfully, I'm just sick of it and i wouldn't be surprised if you were too. Relationships shouldn't be so much work, it shouldn't be so hard to just keep each other happy, it shouldn't be like this. I see other couples and wonder what we don't have that they do .. but that's a question noone can answer.
After you read my blog and we talked .. you said "how do you want me to react to that?"
Edbie, i get you. Seriously i do, but the way you said it seemed like you couldn't care less. I got pissed so i blocked you out of my mind, literally. After Monday, not one thought of you crossed my mind and i was just free of it, then on Thursday i was keeping Nona company at work and we were talking about my day at the city and then her eyes went bigger. She whispered under her breath "edbie.. ". I continued on with my story but in my mind i knew you were looking. I went toilet and came back and she said you were looking for me. After then thoughts of you popped in my mind and i couldn't prevent them from coming back.
I'm hurting again, but i havent cried yet. Its not a crying type of hurt, its more of an angry type of hurt. I know we're both sick of trying to make this work and we know it'll never work with who we are now. We're just different i guess. But i don't regret having you in my life and i mean it. You were the first person i truly loved and made me happy excluding all the pain. A happiness noone else could've given me. I might say how i regret us getting back this year and how many time i took you back but only helps me with my hurt and anger.
Right now, i think its best for us not to talk. Every time i got this angry feeling, i did something so sudden.. like i ended everything with us forever or i wrote "The Last Blog", but after each time you ended up talking to me after a couple of days so it stuffed up how i felt about everything again and i was back to square one, confused.
So after this blog Edbie, just do me a favour and not talk/call/message me okay?
I know that i'd want you to but no matter what. Because after this i'll be able to just supress everything easier without hesitation, i won't need to have second thoughts on my actions then do something and make myself hurt again. I'll do you a favour too okay, after this .. i wont write anymore blogs about being hurt, cry, or be all cut at school. I'll return to my old self where i'd laugh and be stupid at lunch, where i wouldn't stare at you because i miss you and i would just enjoy my day at school. I'll (8)smile even though my hearts aching ..
You know later on when we're both good, it'll be good for us. Our conversations wouldn't be as dull and predictable like the ususal 'Hows your day? How are you? What are you doing?"
You'll find a girl that'll make you happy and you will fall head over heels for. A girl who understands everything that your going through and be there for you no matter what. A girl who will try for you and not care about the outcomes, a girl who won't over think each step of the way and just live in the moment. And i'll find the same.
When were good, i hope we do become close like we said we would because your still one of the guys that i trust the most and that will listen. And you can come to me anytime whenever you have any problems in your life because you know im here, ive always be there for you Edbie.
I wont forget anything later on, but now .. i might forget a bit to relieve me of things but later i'll regain those memories and then wont forget anything. You know how good my memory is and all my thoughts are written down in my diary. I've still got everything that we ever had and i wont chuck them away, ill treasure them like all our movie tickets, all my bustickets from going to your house, your rose, the paper you gave and some letters i wrote to you.
I wasn't gna post this till later but then i realised that you've got your trials coming up and then studying for Hsc, so it was now or never.
Take care of yourself okay Edbie, i wouldnt want anything happening to you. Im here for you no matter what and i'll always care about you. Deep down, there'll always be something there for you.
This wont be a Goodbye okay ?
It's more of a 'I'll Talk to you Later" :)
okay ttyls Edbie Cerenio Villanueva
I'm Missing You - Bobby Tinsley
Ay Bay Bay (remix) - Hurricane Chris
Unperfect Love - Israel ft Slim
Addicted - Stevie Hoang
Moment in Time - Cherish
Where Did He Go - Keri Hilson
I Miss You - Jenson
Kiss me thru the Phone (EMAIL) aha
Forever - DC
What I Need - Deepside
Did you wrong - Pleasure P
Thankyou - Jay Sean
..
Turn My Swag On - Souljah Boy
No comments:
Post a Comment