Mufti Day at the senior school, i loove the events and freedom that you get at this school. We've had more mufti days & pupil free days than the 4 years at the girls school put together. Fuck yeah.
Jafat came buck from fils todaaay,
called him & he was going to pick up Carlala from school.
I swear i hate him, ahaha. He's soo good to her.
He felt bad for making her cry, so the next day he went over to her house to look after her the whole day because she was sick. Kiligs yeaa?
Went to the library to find shit for my geography, fucking out of 2 whole files on Wattle Grove .. there was only 1 article on the lake. faaaaah, waste of time. But got to hang with the lovely couple (juanona).
Aw, on the bus when you turned around to talk to me,
it made me feel good. Idk but it did.
And btw, no i did not break the butterfly,
it fell off.
You made my day.
10w.
July 31, 2009
July 30, 2009
Double Englash.
Fuck. So today was shit.
I hate visual arts cos teachers a major dickhead,
I'm thinking about dropping geography,
Ritual didn't happen & had to pay for my own food,
Feel like shit cos my endurance is going down and the 'fuck everything' feelings going away.
fuck it. lol and legs still aching from basketball tryouts from tuesdaaay!
but yeah fuck it omg.
JUST FUCK EVERYTHING SERIOUSLY.
My friend started talking to me again last night but didn't say sorry for going off at me, he's so complicated like seriously. As if he's the only one in this world who's ever gotten hurt, but he's not. Ive been through so much more shit than him. He comes to me and tells me how girls are all the same, how girls don't try at all and we just don't give a fuck. He comes to the fucking wrong person, don't tell me i haven't tried because i have. Don't tell me that i don't care because i've always been there for him regardless of all the pain he caused me last year. Even when we hung at the city, he kept wishing Nona or Kris or everyone else was there, that just makes me feel like he uses me to get to them. Like i don't mind them & hanging with them but why do you need me to ask them if they wna hang. fuck.
I miss my dad,
I wna talk to my friends but i can't. I wna tell them whats really on my mind like i usually do but they'll get disappointed in me, they'll look down. I can take it from anyone else because they aren't as important but my close friends, its too hard.
And you .. you haven't left my mind.
back to square one again.
FUCKING LMFAO LMFAO!
10:57pm - Watching the 'Edbie suicide video'
FUCKING FUNNNY EZ! aha nathan's a cunt.
Nathan: I'm nathan biag, add me on facebook please. Thankyou
Carlos: CARLOS MENDEZZZZ!
Nathan: fuck carlos mendez !
AHAHHAHA made my night.
I hate visual arts cos teachers a major dickhead,
I'm thinking about dropping geography,
Ritual didn't happen & had to pay for my own food,
Feel like shit cos my endurance is going down and the 'fuck everything' feelings going away.
fuck it. lol and legs still aching from basketball tryouts from tuesdaaay!
but yeah fuck it omg.
JUST FUCK EVERYTHING SERIOUSLY.
My friend started talking to me again last night but didn't say sorry for going off at me, he's so complicated like seriously. As if he's the only one in this world who's ever gotten hurt, but he's not. Ive been through so much more shit than him. He comes to me and tells me how girls are all the same, how girls don't try at all and we just don't give a fuck. He comes to the fucking wrong person, don't tell me i haven't tried because i have. Don't tell me that i don't care because i've always been there for him regardless of all the pain he caused me last year. Even when we hung at the city, he kept wishing Nona or Kris or everyone else was there, that just makes me feel like he uses me to get to them. Like i don't mind them & hanging with them but why do you need me to ask them if they wna hang. fuck.
I miss my dad,
I wna talk to my friends but i can't. I wna tell them whats really on my mind like i usually do but they'll get disappointed in me, they'll look down. I can take it from anyone else because they aren't as important but my close friends, its too hard.
And you .. you haven't left my mind.
back to square one again.
FUCKING LMFAO LMFAO!
10:57pm - Watching the 'Edbie suicide video'
FUCKING FUNNNY EZ! aha nathan's a cunt.
Nathan: I'm nathan biag, add me on facebook please. Thankyou
Carlos: CARLOS MENDEZZZZ!
Nathan: fuck carlos mendez !
AHAHHAHA made my night.
July 29, 2009
You.
I don't know what it is,
but whenever we do talk .. no matter what.
My heart over rules my mind everytime.
10.
but whenever we do talk .. no matter what.
My heart over rules my mind everytime.
10.
Happy Birthday my lovely Kristiannneeee =)
This Ain't Sex - Usher .. on repeat ;)
So i stayed up last night doing her birthday 'story thing' and i called at 12am but ms. Wynona Pacheco fucking told her not to answer. So muthafuck i didn't call buck :( The baby of the group is finally legal. lol Now 2 more years till' clubbing & grinding. fuck yeah. aha
Do you ever get that feeling where you can't talk to your close friends because you just can't? chyeah felt that today, idk i wanted to but i couldn't. There was just some barrier blocking me from them. I miss BGC, the old bgc. Back in the day with out tb hair that needed volume, playin' bball at lunch and just laugh at nothing till we got abs. Our group is falling apart, we're not as close anymore and we're all falling into our own bestfriends groups. We stick with the ones we're close to and those without bestfriends go from group to group. Senior school has fucked that all up :(
I miss my billionaire girls. We knew it was gna change but i think im the only one who actually notices the split or just admits it.
Well yuuuuus, home early today because i needed to start on my geo & chem. Ganga showed me the video of edbie doing suicides. LMFAOLMFAO!
At the begining: What, i cant see edbie? Which one is he?
Ganga: oh dw, he'll start to stand out
-- half way through
me: AWWW LMFAO!
I want the endurance to keep up this feeeling, i really hope it stays. I'm happy & stupid again, like i was at the begining of the year but i still crave the happiness he gave me because i know i can't get it anywhere else. All im doing now is blocking my feelings out but i dont know whether its changing or not. efffffffff.
Havent talked to Jo yet since he went off at me. Oh geeez.
i miss my dad.
10weeks.
So i stayed up last night doing her birthday 'story thing' and i called at 12am but ms. Wynona Pacheco fucking told her not to answer. So muthafuck i didn't call buck :( The baby of the group is finally legal. lol Now 2 more years till' clubbing & grinding. fuck yeah. aha
Do you ever get that feeling where you can't talk to your close friends because you just can't? chyeah felt that today, idk i wanted to but i couldn't. There was just some barrier blocking me from them. I miss BGC, the old bgc. Back in the day with out tb hair that needed volume, playin' bball at lunch and just laugh at nothing till we got abs. Our group is falling apart, we're not as close anymore and we're all falling into our own bestfriends groups. We stick with the ones we're close to and those without bestfriends go from group to group. Senior school has fucked that all up :(
I miss my billionaire girls. We knew it was gna change but i think im the only one who actually notices the split or just admits it.
Well yuuuuus, home early today because i needed to start on my geo & chem. Ganga showed me the video of edbie doing suicides. LMFAOLMFAO!
At the begining: What, i cant see edbie? Which one is he?
Ganga: oh dw, he'll start to stand out
-- half way through
me: AWWW LMFAO!
I want the endurance to keep up this feeeling, i really hope it stays. I'm happy & stupid again, like i was at the begining of the year but i still crave the happiness he gave me because i know i can't get it anywhere else. All im doing now is blocking my feelings out but i dont know whether its changing or not. efffffffff.
Havent talked to Jo yet since he went off at me. Oh geeez.
i miss my dad.
10weeks.
July 28, 2009
Day 2
(8) We ain't having sex, we're making moments that will out last the world. This ain't sex, this is a symbol of the two making love .. - usher
2nd day of this lovelyyyyy feeeeling :D
Oh geee, Basketball tryouts :(
faah bro, im so faaaaaat ! it full kills and i have low endurance
and like there was only 12 of us.
Me, Nona, Shasha, Kafren, Aimee, Mae, Alyssa, Antoniette, Maria, Llana, Kim & Angelique.
LOL that should be our team eh ?
Well as a "baller", i suck at shooting and anything to do with scoring. I can only defend :( but i get tired of running. Geeeez, how unfit am i !
My feet hurt from wearing converse omg, and my face went reallly raaad.
Well yr12's finished early so the school was kind of empty and the usual lunch & just talking.
Note to self - Start Geography, Chemistry, Study for Maths.
FUCK.
Well last night i had the maddessst conversations with Jerome & Emilynn. (y) Good job guys. lol
i miss my fatherrrr :'(
10weeks.
2nd day of this lovelyyyyy feeeeling :D
Oh geee, Basketball tryouts :(
faah bro, im so faaaaaat ! it full kills and i have low endurance
and like there was only 12 of us.
Me, Nona, Shasha, Kafren, Aimee, Mae, Alyssa, Antoniette, Maria, Llana, Kim & Angelique.
LOL that should be our team eh ?
Well as a "baller", i suck at shooting and anything to do with scoring. I can only defend :( but i get tired of running. Geeeez, how unfit am i !
My feet hurt from wearing converse omg, and my face went reallly raaad.
Well yr12's finished early so the school was kind of empty and the usual lunch & just talking.
Note to self - Start Geography, Chemistry, Study for Maths.
FUCK.
Well last night i had the maddessst conversations with Jerome & Emilynn. (y) Good job guys. lol
i miss my fatherrrr :'(
10weeks.
July 27, 2009
First Day of Term 3.
OMG. School the muthafuck, but it was good. The usual 6 periods and falling asleep in Visual Arts (I swear i am going to drop it in yr 12). After school on the bus i was just contemplating about everything and just thinking about what i feel..
I felt so free on the bus, i was just smiling out of nowhere. I wasn't hurt or anything, there wasnt one ounce of sadness in me and it was the best feeling i've ever gotten. Im free of trying for anyone, free of getting hurt by the same person, im just free. Just fuck everything seriously and it made me feel so much better, even though i might have a tad bit of anger in me, everything else around me i so great. At Westfield, i couldn't stop smiling because i was proud that i stopped crying and hurting, i was proud that i actually got somewhere and stuck to what i said.
IM SOO FUCKING GREAT RIGHT NOW, whoohoo.
I still feel for him, but it doesn't matter anymore. My feelings just got me nowhere. So I've just gotten some type of boost where i feel so good, like nothing can rain on my parade. =)
OMG, drove to school today. HEKTIK.
lol nearly drove on the curb because i forgot to break on a round about but who cares, ahha i've done like 3.5 hours and i've only driven 4 times.
Shariza feels accomplished.
I felt so free on the bus, i was just smiling out of nowhere. I wasn't hurt or anything, there wasnt one ounce of sadness in me and it was the best feeling i've ever gotten. Im free of trying for anyone, free of getting hurt by the same person, im just free. Just fuck everything seriously and it made me feel so much better, even though i might have a tad bit of anger in me, everything else around me i so great. At Westfield, i couldn't stop smiling because i was proud that i stopped crying and hurting, i was proud that i actually got somewhere and stuck to what i said.
IM SOO FUCKING GREAT RIGHT NOW, whoohoo.
I still feel for him, but it doesn't matter anymore. My feelings just got me nowhere. So I've just gotten some type of boost where i feel so good, like nothing can rain on my parade. =)
OMG, drove to school today. HEKTIK.
lol nearly drove on the curb because i forgot to break on a round about but who cares, ahha i've done like 3.5 hours and i've only driven 4 times.
Shariza feels accomplished.
July 26, 2009
July Holidays.
Dreading school bro.
Well these holidays started earlier & began on the first Saturday.
July 11, Saturday
Planned an outing with Joseph Gabriel (Igor) so we could "relieve" ourselves of everything. Yaknow the usual problems so we went city. As usual Igor came late, like fucking 1 and a half hours so i was at Granville station just playing tetris while randoms would just come and sit next to me. The station guards would just walk passed every 10 minutes wondering how long i'd be staying there. aha faggot. He came and we walked to Market City and i was drawn to a shoe sale so i left him in the food court by himself while i went to shoe box.
After we walked to Darling Harbour and there was a massive Ferris Wheel & i wanted to go on. :L We stood infront of the lady for like 10 minutes looking at the prices and it took another 10 minutes to explain to him the specials because Jo's kind of slow. We had to get the 'couple' ticket so we'd get $4 cheaper. ahha Jo's slick plan was .. he'd pay for the ticket so we'd look like a couple then i'd pay him back when we were in the carriage. Fucking idiot, but it worked. We were on the wheel and we both got to reminiscing, me about Edbie and him about Pat. He had always wanted to do something like that with pat and i'd always wanted to do something like that with Edbie because he was shit scared of heights. aha It was fucking freezing and he kept swearing at the people and looking up to see if there was an on/off button. Then he goes..
Jo: OH SHIIIIIT !
Me: What ?
Jo: Look, it says "Smile your on camera"
FUCK, we couldnt stop laughing ahah then he kept screaming "Excusee me, if you can hear me.. can you please turn off the aircon ? its just a bit cold here, THANKYOU" aha
At darling harbour we laughed at "pakwaan indian" (idk his lame), we walked all the way to QVB and we saw 'JUSTICE CREW"
Aw bro ! haha these halfie boys are sexy, so me & Jo just watched the rest of the performances and i gave them $1.50 ;) HAHA & we bumped into my lovely Cotton On friend, Alice.
Usual day at the city.
July 13, Monday
A day spent with my lovely Kristianne. So i woke up at 10am and she hadn't woken up so i watched Lion King 2, Best movie :D She called at like 11:30 and we planned to go Wattle Grove. I got there and i apparently looked like "white girl" :L i dno how but i did. We took photographs of bloody rubbish, rocks, ducks, water, trees and everything else you find at Wattle Grove Lake, which took like 30mins and spent the rest of the 2 hours talking about what happened at Pgb's Party. FUCKING MUTHA FUCK. I missed out on so much shit at Melson's, its totally not fair that i didnt get to go but next year. ha, go spastick and shit lol.
July 14, Tuesday (BGC COOKING DAY)
Welcome buck Alyssa !
Aw, i love my girls. Aimee, Alyssa, Katherine, Kristianne, Pauline, Sharlyne, Wynona & Zelda (L) Entree - Sung Cho Bao
Main - Somethng from Masterchef because Aimee's Obsessed. :)
Dessert - Sticky Date Pudding and Cinamon Sticks
Well the Main people took too long so our entree got cold, aha and we started experimenting with honey, sugar, maple syrup. HAHA FUCKING DISGUSTING
while we were all eating our meals, Aimee finished first and we started teasing her because shes a fatshit, aha and we go "We'll wait for dessert okay? like 15 minutes" then she goes " WHAAT? are you guys being serious? " ahha when we all couldnt breathe properly cos we were all full. AHA
Then while the rest of the girls were downstairs me, Wynona and Kris were upstairs in Pauline's bed laughing at nothing for like half an hour. LOL got abs by then.
We played a game where if you lost, you'd get powder on your face and the losers were Mae & Kris. AHA looked all like aboriginals at the end of the day.
July 16, Thursday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVELY IMMAREEE!
So this day, i cancelled everything i had planned because i was heaps excited about something and i was waiting for it and it never ended up coming. Sucks yeah ?
Kris called me & we went westf just bumming and talking about EVERYTHING. aha Its nice to just eat and sit down and talk, seems heaps mature.
July 17, Friday
Kris called me again and asked if we wanted to hang and do my re-growth! aha fucking ugliest regrowth out. So after her dentist appointment i picked her up from Casula Mall and we bought hair dye. haha On the way home we played "The Line Game" which is something we share in common, we ended up dying anyways. haa ! She did my hair, i did hers, she did my eyebrows then we watched "Gothika" aha thought i'd be like really scary but its one of those movies where theres a twist and yeah. I left the hair dye in for 2.5hours and we went up to go wash it out. FUCK BRO, i had ranga roots & still do. aha but its okay and we watched 'Dusk Till' Dawn' and Kris kicked me of the bed. lol Her parents were heaps lost so i dropped her to the closest roundabout at like 10pm.
July 20, Monday
Bussed it to Mayon's house looking like a faggot and giving all silvers to the busdriver :) then me, Mayon, Bernard & Marvi watched 'The Unborn', 'Victoria's Secret' OMFG, theyre so hot LOL and then we ate some type of meat with rice then just bummed upstairs. MISSION: me & Bernard walked all the way to my house. Faah, the bridge near Sule College is a fucking mission but the sky was turning orange and pink so it was a hektik view.
Well these holidays started earlier & began on the first Saturday.
July 11, Saturday
Planned an outing with Joseph Gabriel (Igor) so we could "relieve" ourselves of everything. Yaknow the usual problems so we went city. As usual Igor came late, like fucking 1 and a half hours so i was at Granville station just playing tetris while randoms would just come and sit next to me. The station guards would just walk passed every 10 minutes wondering how long i'd be staying there. aha faggot. He came and we walked to Market City and i was drawn to a shoe sale so i left him in the food court by himself while i went to shoe box.
After we walked to Darling Harbour and there was a massive Ferris Wheel & i wanted to go on. :L We stood infront of the lady for like 10 minutes looking at the prices and it took another 10 minutes to explain to him the specials because Jo's kind of slow. We had to get the 'couple' ticket so we'd get $4 cheaper. ahha Jo's slick plan was .. he'd pay for the ticket so we'd look like a couple then i'd pay him back when we were in the carriage. Fucking idiot, but it worked. We were on the wheel and we both got to reminiscing, me about Edbie and him about Pat. He had always wanted to do something like that with pat and i'd always wanted to do something like that with Edbie because he was shit scared of heights. aha It was fucking freezing and he kept swearing at the people and looking up to see if there was an on/off button. Then he goes..
Jo: OH SHIIIIIT !
Me: What ?
Jo: Look, it says "Smile your on camera"
FUCK, we couldnt stop laughing ahah then he kept screaming "Excusee me, if you can hear me.. can you please turn off the aircon ? its just a bit cold here, THANKYOU" aha
At darling harbour we laughed at "pakwaan indian" (idk his lame), we walked all the way to QVB and we saw 'JUSTICE CREW"
Aw bro ! haha these halfie boys are sexy, so me & Jo just watched the rest of the performances and i gave them $1.50 ;) HAHA & we bumped into my lovely Cotton On friend, Alice.
Usual day at the city.
July 13, Monday
A day spent with my lovely Kristianne. So i woke up at 10am and she hadn't woken up so i watched Lion King 2, Best movie :D She called at like 11:30 and we planned to go Wattle Grove. I got there and i apparently looked like "white girl" :L i dno how but i did. We took photographs of bloody rubbish, rocks, ducks, water, trees and everything else you find at Wattle Grove Lake, which took like 30mins and spent the rest of the 2 hours talking about what happened at Pgb's Party. FUCKING MUTHA FUCK. I missed out on so much shit at Melson's, its totally not fair that i didnt get to go but next year. ha, go spastick and shit lol.
July 14, Tuesday (BGC COOKING DAY)
Welcome buck Alyssa !
Aw, i love my girls. Aimee, Alyssa, Katherine, Kristianne, Pauline, Sharlyne, Wynona & Zelda (L) Entree - Sung Cho Bao
Main - Somethng from Masterchef because Aimee's Obsessed. :)
Dessert - Sticky Date Pudding and Cinamon Sticks
Well the Main people took too long so our entree got cold, aha and we started experimenting with honey, sugar, maple syrup. HAHA FUCKING DISGUSTING
while we were all eating our meals, Aimee finished first and we started teasing her because shes a fatshit, aha and we go "We'll wait for dessert okay? like 15 minutes" then she goes " WHAAT? are you guys being serious? " ahha when we all couldnt breathe properly cos we were all full. AHA
Then while the rest of the girls were downstairs me, Wynona and Kris were upstairs in Pauline's bed laughing at nothing for like half an hour. LOL got abs by then.
We played a game where if you lost, you'd get powder on your face and the losers were Mae & Kris. AHA looked all like aboriginals at the end of the day.
July 16, Thursday.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVELY IMMAREEE!
So this day, i cancelled everything i had planned because i was heaps excited about something and i was waiting for it and it never ended up coming. Sucks yeah ?
Kris called me & we went westf just bumming and talking about EVERYTHING. aha Its nice to just eat and sit down and talk, seems heaps mature.
July 17, Friday
Kris called me again and asked if we wanted to hang and do my re-growth! aha fucking ugliest regrowth out. So after her dentist appointment i picked her up from Casula Mall and we bought hair dye. haha On the way home we played "The Line Game" which is something we share in common, we ended up dying anyways. haa ! She did my hair, i did hers, she did my eyebrows then we watched "Gothika" aha thought i'd be like really scary but its one of those movies where theres a twist and yeah. I left the hair dye in for 2.5hours and we went up to go wash it out. FUCK BRO, i had ranga roots & still do. aha but its okay and we watched 'Dusk Till' Dawn' and Kris kicked me of the bed. lol Her parents were heaps lost so i dropped her to the closest roundabout at like 10pm.
July 20, Monday
Bussed it to Mayon's house looking like a faggot and giving all silvers to the busdriver :) then me, Mayon, Bernard & Marvi watched 'The Unborn', 'Victoria's Secret' OMFG, theyre so hot LOL and then we ate some type of meat with rice then just bummed upstairs. MISSION: me & Bernard walked all the way to my house. Faah, the bridge near Sule College is a fucking mission but the sky was turning orange and pink so it was a hektik view.
July 21, Tuesday
So today was heaps povo so i went over ate Clarisse's house. Best day ever broo, i loove my ate to bits. First we just caught up and stuff, so i told her about my life and she told me about hers, then all this complications happening between our circle of familyy friends :( sucks, never gna be the same again. We played around the the Mac's and the talking thing on it and watched some youtube vids of my boyfriend (Aj Rafael) and Cathy Nguyen. Then we all went to ate Camille's work and we played 10 pin bowling which was fail because i lost by one fucking point --" then we ate a feaast LOL couldnt breathe for like 1 hour. Then we played mini golf ahha the maddest and another group of people came and this one guy was wearing a long coat like them vampires so i thought he was going to kill us. aha My mind is just a tad bit dramatic :) after i had this hektik hot chocolate and didnt drink it till 20 mins later cos it was fucking beautiful. I slept over and we watched Supernatural the rest of the night.
AHAH we both had dreams that night .
Ate Clarisse - Dream about dating Sam Winchester and Dean Winchester (too much Supernatural) so it was like full unrealistic
Mine- This involves the 'I-Ask Boyz' + Edward. eff bro, idk hardout realistic and shit. lol
July 22, Wednesday
Went to city with Kristianne and Terence. Aw bro these kids have the weirdest minds out. ahah they wanted a "Random Day" so they got it and i had to tag along with these faggots. We dissed Kris about her "Pool house without a pool" & "Robobonk" and dissed Terence about chucking shits in public and we got him. ahha We didnt see the 'JUSTICE CREW' today :( shame, but its still gooood. On my way to G-field, some hot halfie came into the carriage and kept staring, i got off the train and he peeped out the carriage. NGAWW i hate these momments because you never see them again in your life. aha OMG
July 23, Thursday
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEORGIA!
So i had to go with my family to olympic pools and look after them because my uncle was sick and yeaah. I LOVE MY COUSINS, theyre all younger but soo cute aha. See them just splashing in the water and trying not to swallow water. ha LOL I met this baby that came along, his the cutest thing ever ! We look related because we have the same hair colour !
After i went to Livo to go back to Wattle Grove to take some photos for my assignment and i did that in 10 mins. Then waited another 30 mins for the next bus, it came fucking late and started raining and had no umbrella. I HATE PULIC TRANSPORT !
July 24, Friday
Hung out with Ganga (Evander), Doung, Shasha and Duane. We watched 'Drag me to hell'
Funny yet scary movie. LOL seriously, Sha hit herself with the bag and i always had my hands covering my face. LOL we went to 'The Square' and soo many fobs thur. There were apparently alot of footy players there but i wouldn't know so i didnt care. ahaha After travelled to Livo and was meant to go Yd with Kimberly Anne but she cancelled. So me and Kris waited in livo for 2 hours doing nothing and finding something to do but fail. So we went home and prepared for Pauline's Sweet 16th.
July 25, Saturday
Aw well, everyone came and we ate. Then it all began when the 'Tectonik Boyz' started dancing and they wanted to 'crump' and wanted me & Wynona to vs eachother. aha never happend. We all danced and yaknow the usual. Me, Kris, Katherine, Aimee, Alyssa, Nona, Mae, Suraj, Doung, Ganga, Shasha were upstairs screaming over ideas on how to give pauline her present. We ended up lining up in order and giving her the 'gag present' the spelling out her name with the letters then gave her the addidas shoes. aww yay.
After this, me, Kris, Bernard, Cwiz & Jattan went hardout dancing and shit. I CANT WAIT TO GO CLUBBING OMG! and LMAO @ Jattan tryna dance to rnb, his so unco like you dont understanddd ! LOL, he smelt like shit toooo ! :)
by the end of the night, our feet all hurt from jumping around in heels and dancing the night away, slept straight away!
July 23, 2009
Edbie Cerenio Villanueva
July 23
The love that i feel for you, the love that i have for you is my motivation to let you go, to give up and just not care. I'm going to suppress my feelings so that it'll be so deep down that i wont be able to feel it anymore. I'm suppressing my love for you because i know it'll never go away, i've been trying to not feel for you for the passed 2 months or so but we both know it wasn't working. If it did, i wouldn't be here writing all these fucking pointless blogs. I'll know when its fully suppressed when i walk passed you and smile and truthfully don't feel anything for you. When i can be happy without the worry of loving you again.
July 24
This year has been so much trouble, for both of us. Ups & downs that we couldn't fix, that were the same problem over & over again. I know that we both truly wanted it to work at some point but i don't think that wanting it to work is enough for this relationship to last. I tried, I held on for a month or two trying to get us back together but it just wasn't enough. I really don't know what was wrong with us though, was it the timing? Was it our feelings? Was it lack of trying? I really have no clue.
Edbie, I love you. But not enough to just keep doing this.
Truthfully, I'm just sick of it and i wouldn't be surprised if you were too. Relationships shouldn't be so much work, it shouldn't be so hard to just keep each other happy, it shouldn't be like this. I see other couples and wonder what we don't have that they do .. but that's a question noone can answer.
After you read my blog and we talked .. you said "how do you want me to react to that?"
Edbie, i get you. Seriously i do, but the way you said it seemed like you couldn't care less. I got pissed so i blocked you out of my mind, literally. After Monday, not one thought of you crossed my mind and i was just free of it, then on Thursday i was keeping Nona company at work and we were talking about my day at the city and then her eyes went bigger. She whispered under her breath "edbie.. ". I continued on with my story but in my mind i knew you were looking. I went toilet and came back and she said you were looking for me. After then thoughts of you popped in my mind and i couldn't prevent them from coming back.
I'm hurting again, but i havent cried yet. Its not a crying type of hurt, its more of an angry type of hurt. I know we're both sick of trying to make this work and we know it'll never work with who we are now. We're just different i guess. But i don't regret having you in my life and i mean it. You were the first person i truly loved and made me happy excluding all the pain. A happiness noone else could've given me. I might say how i regret us getting back this year and how many time i took you back but only helps me with my hurt and anger.
Right now, i think its best for us not to talk. Every time i got this angry feeling, i did something so sudden.. like i ended everything with us forever or i wrote "The Last Blog", but after each time you ended up talking to me after a couple of days so it stuffed up how i felt about everything again and i was back to square one, confused.
So after this blog Edbie, just do me a favour and not talk/call/message me okay?
I know that i'd want you to but no matter what. Because after this i'll be able to just supress everything easier without hesitation, i won't need to have second thoughts on my actions then do something and make myself hurt again. I'll do you a favour too okay, after this .. i wont write anymore blogs about being hurt, cry, or be all cut at school. I'll return to my old self where i'd laugh and be stupid at lunch, where i wouldn't stare at you because i miss you and i would just enjoy my day at school. I'll (8)smile even though my hearts aching ..
You know later on when we're both good, it'll be good for us. Our conversations wouldn't be as dull and predictable like the ususal 'Hows your day? How are you? What are you doing?"
You'll find a girl that'll make you happy and you will fall head over heels for. A girl who understands everything that your going through and be there for you no matter what. A girl who will try for you and not care about the outcomes, a girl who won't over think each step of the way and just live in the moment. And i'll find the same.
When were good, i hope we do become close like we said we would because your still one of the guys that i trust the most and that will listen. And you can come to me anytime whenever you have any problems in your life because you know im here, ive always be there for you Edbie.
I wont forget anything later on, but now .. i might forget a bit to relieve me of things but later i'll regain those memories and then wont forget anything. You know how good my memory is and all my thoughts are written down in my diary. I've still got everything that we ever had and i wont chuck them away, ill treasure them like all our movie tickets, all my bustickets from going to your house, your rose, the paper you gave and some letters i wrote to you.
I wasn't gna post this till later but then i realised that you've got your trials coming up and then studying for Hsc, so it was now or never.
Take care of yourself okay Edbie, i wouldnt want anything happening to you. Im here for you no matter what and i'll always care about you. Deep down, there'll always be something there for you.
This wont be a Goodbye okay ?
It's more of a 'I'll Talk to you Later" :)
okay ttyls Edbie Cerenio Villanueva
I'm Missing You - Bobby Tinsley
Ay Bay Bay (remix) - Hurricane Chris
Unperfect Love - Israel ft Slim
Addicted - Stevie Hoang
Moment in Time - Cherish
Where Did He Go - Keri Hilson
I Miss You - Jenson
Kiss me thru the Phone (EMAIL) aha
Forever - DC
What I Need - Deepside
Did you wrong - Pleasure P
Thankyou - Jay Sean
..
Turn My Swag On - Souljah Boy
The love that i feel for you, the love that i have for you is my motivation to let you go, to give up and just not care. I'm going to suppress my feelings so that it'll be so deep down that i wont be able to feel it anymore. I'm suppressing my love for you because i know it'll never go away, i've been trying to not feel for you for the passed 2 months or so but we both know it wasn't working. If it did, i wouldn't be here writing all these fucking pointless blogs. I'll know when its fully suppressed when i walk passed you and smile and truthfully don't feel anything for you. When i can be happy without the worry of loving you again.
July 24
This year has been so much trouble, for both of us. Ups & downs that we couldn't fix, that were the same problem over & over again. I know that we both truly wanted it to work at some point but i don't think that wanting it to work is enough for this relationship to last. I tried, I held on for a month or two trying to get us back together but it just wasn't enough. I really don't know what was wrong with us though, was it the timing? Was it our feelings? Was it lack of trying? I really have no clue.
Edbie, I love you. But not enough to just keep doing this.
Truthfully, I'm just sick of it and i wouldn't be surprised if you were too. Relationships shouldn't be so much work, it shouldn't be so hard to just keep each other happy, it shouldn't be like this. I see other couples and wonder what we don't have that they do .. but that's a question noone can answer.
After you read my blog and we talked .. you said "how do you want me to react to that?"
Edbie, i get you. Seriously i do, but the way you said it seemed like you couldn't care less. I got pissed so i blocked you out of my mind, literally. After Monday, not one thought of you crossed my mind and i was just free of it, then on Thursday i was keeping Nona company at work and we were talking about my day at the city and then her eyes went bigger. She whispered under her breath "edbie.. ". I continued on with my story but in my mind i knew you were looking. I went toilet and came back and she said you were looking for me. After then thoughts of you popped in my mind and i couldn't prevent them from coming back.
I'm hurting again, but i havent cried yet. Its not a crying type of hurt, its more of an angry type of hurt. I know we're both sick of trying to make this work and we know it'll never work with who we are now. We're just different i guess. But i don't regret having you in my life and i mean it. You were the first person i truly loved and made me happy excluding all the pain. A happiness noone else could've given me. I might say how i regret us getting back this year and how many time i took you back but only helps me with my hurt and anger.
Right now, i think its best for us not to talk. Every time i got this angry feeling, i did something so sudden.. like i ended everything with us forever or i wrote "The Last Blog", but after each time you ended up talking to me after a couple of days so it stuffed up how i felt about everything again and i was back to square one, confused.
So after this blog Edbie, just do me a favour and not talk/call/message me okay?
I know that i'd want you to but no matter what. Because after this i'll be able to just supress everything easier without hesitation, i won't need to have second thoughts on my actions then do something and make myself hurt again. I'll do you a favour too okay, after this .. i wont write anymore blogs about being hurt, cry, or be all cut at school. I'll return to my old self where i'd laugh and be stupid at lunch, where i wouldn't stare at you because i miss you and i would just enjoy my day at school. I'll (8)smile even though my hearts aching ..
You know later on when we're both good, it'll be good for us. Our conversations wouldn't be as dull and predictable like the ususal 'Hows your day? How are you? What are you doing?"
You'll find a girl that'll make you happy and you will fall head over heels for. A girl who understands everything that your going through and be there for you no matter what. A girl who will try for you and not care about the outcomes, a girl who won't over think each step of the way and just live in the moment. And i'll find the same.
When were good, i hope we do become close like we said we would because your still one of the guys that i trust the most and that will listen. And you can come to me anytime whenever you have any problems in your life because you know im here, ive always be there for you Edbie.
I wont forget anything later on, but now .. i might forget a bit to relieve me of things but later i'll regain those memories and then wont forget anything. You know how good my memory is and all my thoughts are written down in my diary. I've still got everything that we ever had and i wont chuck them away, ill treasure them like all our movie tickets, all my bustickets from going to your house, your rose, the paper you gave and some letters i wrote to you.
I wasn't gna post this till later but then i realised that you've got your trials coming up and then studying for Hsc, so it was now or never.
Take care of yourself okay Edbie, i wouldnt want anything happening to you. Im here for you no matter what and i'll always care about you. Deep down, there'll always be something there for you.
This wont be a Goodbye okay ?
It's more of a 'I'll Talk to you Later" :)
okay ttyls Edbie Cerenio Villanueva
I'm Missing You - Bobby Tinsley
Ay Bay Bay (remix) - Hurricane Chris
Unperfect Love - Israel ft Slim
Addicted - Stevie Hoang
Moment in Time - Cherish
Where Did He Go - Keri Hilson
I Miss You - Jenson
Kiss me thru the Phone (EMAIL) aha
Forever - DC
What I Need - Deepside
Did you wrong - Pleasure P
Thankyou - Jay Sean
..
Turn My Swag On - Souljah Boy
A Thousand Goodbyes - Travis Garland
"How many times?
It's hard to say
That I've waken up next to a note on the bed
Got on a plane I'll be back next week
And left without so much as a kiss on the cheek
You're always gone and I'm never home
You taught me everything I know about being alone
What do I do when I need you, who do I call?
When I don't wanna do it no more
I'm not trying, making you hurt
You're getting exactly what you deserve
You can't tell me that I don't
Have every reason in this world to leave you right now
I can count a thousand times that you made me cry
A thousand games that you use to play
And so I guess that's a thousand goodbyes
A thousand goodbyes
Its all that i have to say
Tell me what you're thinking
When I told you that me and you
We are finally over
Making a memory
That's ancient history
I know I can't help but keep this over my shoulder
Love is like a mark that never goes away
And you got part of my heart that I forever gave away
What do I do when I need you
Who do I call
'cause I don't want to do this no more
I'm not trying, making you hurt
You're getting exactly what you deserve
You can't tell me
That I don't
Have every reason in this world to leave you right now
I can count a thousand times that you made me cry
A thousand games that you use to play
And so I guess that's a thousand goodbyes
A thousand goodbyes
Its all that i have to say
There's nothing that's harder for me
In this world and
Not be your girl
But I won't stand for cheating and the lies
You're no kind of man
You won't get any respect from me
'cause you were never there, you neglected me
I'd rather spend my nights with somebody
Who treats me like
I'm suppose to be treated all along
Man I gave you everything, gave you my time, I gave you my heart
But you couldn't give me anything in return
For all the late nights I worried about you
A thousand times you didn't call
A thousand tears you never cried
All I have left for you
Is a thousand goodbyes
... It's all that I have
It's all that I have
To say
For all the lies a thousand goodbyes"
I couldn't think of a better song
I really dont fucking get it, why would you talk to me again and say "i'd talk to you now or never before it was too late" then act like you did the last time.
It's hard to say
That I've waken up next to a note on the bed
Got on a plane I'll be back next week
And left without so much as a kiss on the cheek
You're always gone and I'm never home
You taught me everything I know about being alone
What do I do when I need you, who do I call?
When I don't wanna do it no more
I'm not trying, making you hurt
You're getting exactly what you deserve
You can't tell me that I don't
Have every reason in this world to leave you right now
I can count a thousand times that you made me cry
A thousand games that you use to play
And so I guess that's a thousand goodbyes
A thousand goodbyes
Its all that i have to say
Tell me what you're thinking
When I told you that me and you
We are finally over
Making a memory
That's ancient history
I know I can't help but keep this over my shoulder
Love is like a mark that never goes away
And you got part of my heart that I forever gave away
What do I do when I need you
Who do I call
'cause I don't want to do this no more
I'm not trying, making you hurt
You're getting exactly what you deserve
You can't tell me
That I don't
Have every reason in this world to leave you right now
I can count a thousand times that you made me cry
A thousand games that you use to play
And so I guess that's a thousand goodbyes
A thousand goodbyes
Its all that i have to say
There's nothing that's harder for me
In this world and
Not be your girl
But I won't stand for cheating and the lies
You're no kind of man
You won't get any respect from me
'cause you were never there, you neglected me
I'd rather spend my nights with somebody
Who treats me like
I'm suppose to be treated all along
Man I gave you everything, gave you my time, I gave you my heart
But you couldn't give me anything in return
For all the late nights I worried about you
A thousand times you didn't call
A thousand tears you never cried
All I have left for you
Is a thousand goodbyes
... It's all that I have
It's all that I have
To say
For all the lies a thousand goodbyes"
I couldn't think of a better song
I really dont fucking get it, why would you talk to me again and say "i'd talk to you now or never before it was too late" then act like you did the last time.
July 19, 2009
Love
Remember how you said ... "I miss you, sometimes i think 'oh shariza' then get bored'' AHAHA
lol yeah your not the only one ;)
--
I had a massive talk with my friend last night.
We literally talked about everything and some things came up.
I told her what i wrote in my last blog, about telling you how my feelings are still growing and how im still falling. Then her face went all weird.
She told me that i do love you already.
And the thing is .. i think shes right.
It explains so much and makes more sense like that.
I didnt want it to happen like this though, i didnt want a friend to tell me i've fallen for you
I wanted to admit it to myself and i wanted to tell you myself whenever i was ready, when it was the right time. But there never is a right time because every day, hour, minute, second is the right time.
She said that i've always loved you, its always been in me the whole time but i havent been feeling it till now. Which is probably true because i told you how some part of me will always love you. It made so much sense after that. I couldnt even sleep last night, i ended up sleeping at like 6am because so much was on my mind.
She told me her point of view with what was happening with us, she reckons that we have really bad timing. Like last year when you started liking me again, my feelings werent as strong so we didnt work. Then this year before i left for Philippines you loved me, but i didnt love you and now i think i do love you but your probably dont love me. We're never at the same level when it comes to our feelings. Even 2 years ago, i was whipped but you werent. There was never a time where we loved eachother equally or felt for eachother the same.
I dont think its a good thing to admit to myself that i love you but its too late. That subject has already passed through and its one of the only things that make sense in this.
Yaknow, i was going to tell you all this whenever we'd talk next but i wouldnt know when it would be, so this is the only way i could tell you things. Its my only form of communication to you.
I really dont get whats stopping us from being together. Like i dont get it. I think about what she said but thats not a big enough reason for us not to be togther, there isnt one unless our feelings have changed.
Okay well thats pretty much all i wanted to say to you.
ily.
Ps. I miss you.
Addicted - Stevie Hoang
".. Do you still of me?
Like i think about you
Do you still dream of me?
'Cause i can't sleep without you
Tell me if time should make a change
Then why do i feel the same?
Your love has got me addicted.. "
lol yeah your not the only one ;)
--
I had a massive talk with my friend last night.
We literally talked about everything and some things came up.
I told her what i wrote in my last blog, about telling you how my feelings are still growing and how im still falling. Then her face went all weird.
She told me that i do love you already.
And the thing is .. i think shes right.
It explains so much and makes more sense like that.
I didnt want it to happen like this though, i didnt want a friend to tell me i've fallen for you
I wanted to admit it to myself and i wanted to tell you myself whenever i was ready, when it was the right time. But there never is a right time because every day, hour, minute, second is the right time.
She said that i've always loved you, its always been in me the whole time but i havent been feeling it till now. Which is probably true because i told you how some part of me will always love you. It made so much sense after that. I couldnt even sleep last night, i ended up sleeping at like 6am because so much was on my mind.
She told me her point of view with what was happening with us, she reckons that we have really bad timing. Like last year when you started liking me again, my feelings werent as strong so we didnt work. Then this year before i left for Philippines you loved me, but i didnt love you and now i think i do love you but your probably dont love me. We're never at the same level when it comes to our feelings. Even 2 years ago, i was whipped but you werent. There was never a time where we loved eachother equally or felt for eachother the same.
I dont think its a good thing to admit to myself that i love you but its too late. That subject has already passed through and its one of the only things that make sense in this.
Yaknow, i was going to tell you all this whenever we'd talk next but i wouldnt know when it would be, so this is the only way i could tell you things. Its my only form of communication to you.
I really dont get whats stopping us from being together. Like i dont get it. I think about what she said but thats not a big enough reason for us not to be togther, there isnt one unless our feelings have changed.
Okay well thats pretty much all i wanted to say to you.
ily.
Ps. I miss you.
Addicted - Stevie Hoang
".. Do you still of me?
Like i think about you
Do you still dream of me?
'Cause i can't sleep without you
Tell me if time should make a change
Then why do i feel the same?
Your love has got me addicted.. "
July 18, 2009
I hate my mind.
Since you started talking to me again, things have been different.
You've stopped my crying and the pain doesnt hurt me like it did before and im so thankful for that.
I HATE the way i think beause its really killing me. If my mind was different, i woulnt be so insecure about evrything therefore there wouldnt be so many problems. I see things differently than others. I see something small and some how its a sign and i turn it into something bigger. It ends up giving me hope or hurting me in the end and its fucking up my emotions so bad.
Even though i dont really know where we are or even if we are anything,
my feelings are still growing and im still falling.
The thing is, i dont know if thats a good thing or bad thing with where ever we're going right now or if were even going anywhere.
Over the time that ive known you, ive learnt some things.
Sometimes when you say you'll call, you dont and whenever you tell me, i always get a vibe telling me you wont but i still end up waiting.
So can you please do me a favour?
Dont say your going to call unless you actually are okay? say you'll "talk to me later" because i wont be waiting.
I know im a pain with this but i cant really help it, you know that.
I guess ill be talking to you whenever, hopefully sooon.
Ps. I miss you.
Where did he go - Keri Hilson
..I'm a mess right now, out of order
I'm torn up, i'm goin' down
Won't you hold me together? i'm pourin' out
I need you, thats how i feel
I refuse to believe
You do not think of me like i do you
If im right then show me, come through
'Cause i been needin' you lately ..
You've stopped my crying and the pain doesnt hurt me like it did before and im so thankful for that.
I HATE the way i think beause its really killing me. If my mind was different, i woulnt be so insecure about evrything therefore there wouldnt be so many problems. I see things differently than others. I see something small and some how its a sign and i turn it into something bigger. It ends up giving me hope or hurting me in the end and its fucking up my emotions so bad.
Even though i dont really know where we are or even if we are anything,
my feelings are still growing and im still falling.
The thing is, i dont know if thats a good thing or bad thing with where ever we're going right now or if were even going anywhere.
Over the time that ive known you, ive learnt some things.
Sometimes when you say you'll call, you dont and whenever you tell me, i always get a vibe telling me you wont but i still end up waiting.
So can you please do me a favour?
Dont say your going to call unless you actually are okay? say you'll "talk to me later" because i wont be waiting.
I know im a pain with this but i cant really help it, you know that.
I guess ill be talking to you whenever, hopefully sooon.
Ps. I miss you.
Where did he go - Keri Hilson
..I'm a mess right now, out of order
I'm torn up, i'm goin' down
Won't you hold me together? i'm pourin' out
I need you, thats how i feel
I refuse to believe
You do not think of me like i do you
If im right then show me, come through
'Cause i been needin' you lately ..
July 13, 2009
Thankyou - Jay Sean
So i guess it wasnt the last blog?
Talking to me relieved me of so much. All of today, i didnt hurt as much as i usually do. It seemed as if talking to you made things seem better, made things seem like i tried for something good, that it wasnt for nothing.
You know what? Yesterday was the one of the first times you ever talked to me first ever since we broke up ? yeah, it felt better.
I dont know why, but i cried after we got off. I had a sudden urge to re-read all my blogs over and over, so i did.
I hate how people dont understand what im feeling or what im going through. It frustrates me because sometimes i can't really explain what im feeling or whats going through my mind. It all makes sense in my head but when i put it in words, it doesnt come out right. I hate how some couples with the same problems as us dont realise what im going through. They dont see it like i do, we go through the same things yet they just still hate on our relationship.
Like i said to my friend ..
/S. Reezuuh says:
alot of people are afraid of love and what it can do
/S. Reezuuh says:
what it can change
/S. Reezuuh says:
it changes alot, but once youve been through it
/S. Reezuuh says:
you'll be able to experience the happiness and pain that come with it.
/S. Reezuuh says:
its a happieness no friend can give you, a happieness youll never forget
/S. Reezuuh says:
but then again its a pain only a loved one can give you, and a pain that you'll feel
Some people just dont get how i feel because they havent been through what i've been through.
After giving me that song, its been on repeat all day.
".. I would lie, I would try
I would die for you baby,
You know i would for you .. "
Im over thinking everything too much. Am i getting my hopes up just a bit too high?
I hate how i think and how my mind works. It kills me and it annoys you.
Unperfect Love - Israel ft. Slim
".. From the moment that i saw you babe
Thought that we would be so good
The situations got my time of day
Find it hard to make it through
I know we have our moment
'Cos when things go wrong
But no matter what we go
Though we seem to carry
Sometimes i wanna let go
But then i keep holding on
So what we gona do baby
With This Unperfect Love.. "
Did you wrong - Pleasure P
".. I don't wanna loose this relationship
So we gotta stay strong
Dont wanna move on
I know your sick and tired of the fussin'
And the fighting and the cussin'
But I Love You
And You Love Me Too .. "
I still miss you, no matter what i write down or how im feeling.
Talking to me relieved me of so much. All of today, i didnt hurt as much as i usually do. It seemed as if talking to you made things seem better, made things seem like i tried for something good, that it wasnt for nothing.
You know what? Yesterday was the one of the first times you ever talked to me first ever since we broke up ? yeah, it felt better.
I dont know why, but i cried after we got off. I had a sudden urge to re-read all my blogs over and over, so i did.
I hate how people dont understand what im feeling or what im going through. It frustrates me because sometimes i can't really explain what im feeling or whats going through my mind. It all makes sense in my head but when i put it in words, it doesnt come out right. I hate how some couples with the same problems as us dont realise what im going through. They dont see it like i do, we go through the same things yet they just still hate on our relationship.
Like i said to my friend ..
/S. Reezuuh says:
alot of people are afraid of love and what it can do
/S. Reezuuh says:
what it can change
/S. Reezuuh says:
it changes alot, but once youve been through it
/S. Reezuuh says:
you'll be able to experience the happiness and pain that come with it.
/S. Reezuuh says:
its a happieness no friend can give you, a happieness youll never forget
/S. Reezuuh says:
but then again its a pain only a loved one can give you, and a pain that you'll feel
Some people just dont get how i feel because they havent been through what i've been through.
After giving me that song, its been on repeat all day.
".. I would lie, I would try
I would die for you baby,
You know i would for you .. "
Im over thinking everything too much. Am i getting my hopes up just a bit too high?
I hate how i think and how my mind works. It kills me and it annoys you.
Unperfect Love - Israel ft. Slim
".. From the moment that i saw you babe
Thought that we would be so good
The situations got my time of day
Find it hard to make it through
I know we have our moment
'Cos when things go wrong
But no matter what we go
Though we seem to carry
Sometimes i wanna let go
But then i keep holding on
So what we gona do baby
With This Unperfect Love.. "
Did you wrong - Pleasure P
".. I don't wanna loose this relationship
So we gotta stay strong
Dont wanna move on
I know your sick and tired of the fussin'
And the fighting and the cussin'
But I Love You
And You Love Me Too .. "
I still miss you, no matter what i write down or how im feeling.
July 8, 2009
I still miss you
And there'll always be a part of me that'll never change.
With that part of me, I'll never forget our memories,
Never forget who i was whenever i was with you,
Never forget who you were when you were with me,
A part of me that'll always feel for you, like you said a "soft spot".
Never, okay?
With that part of me, I'll never forget our memories,
Never forget who i was whenever i was with you,
Never forget who you were when you were with me,
A part of me that'll always feel for you, like you said a "soft spot".
Never, okay?
I Tried.
I tried telling you how much i wanted to be with you in so many ways and i dont know if you still got it. I told ate clarisse and sarah to tell you how much i missed you and how much i talked about you, i gave you my blog which you only have and consists of all my thoughts throughout the passed month or so, then i do what not a lot of girls can do. I talk to you face to face, i hug you and try to tell you face to face which was the hardest.
At the beginging of the day, i really thought it would work. I thought that doing that wouldve impressed you, that telling you face to face would really help things. I had nothing else to lose i guess. Talking to you face to face and telling you how much im hurting and miss you was so hard like you dont understand. Talking to you face to face was the worst because i didnt know what was gna happen. I kept saying 'what if' but my friend was like "shariza, no. Dont think 'what if'. It doesnt matter. If you really want him then do it no matter what." so i did and this was what happened.
When i hugged you and felt nothing back, it was the most coldest hug ive ever recieved (well didnt even get a hug back). Not hugging me back cut me like crazy, you said "shariza, if i dont hug you i'll look like a dickhead" yet you still didnt put your arms around me and kept your hands by your side. I wanted to hold on to you longer but there was no use, it'd just hurt me more because you wouldnt have hugged me back anyway.
When you said you couldnt right now, my heart broke into more pieces than it already was. Telling me we couldnt be together this time after trying so hard hurt so much. Even though we talked, i feel like you didnt say everything you did but then again, it might just be the way i think. And i get it now, you have priorities like school and the shit happening with your dad and you dont need me to add on to the problems in your life.
The thing with you is, it doesnt hit you till later on. Even if its in front of your face, you dont see it sometimes. So i did this and i still dno if it hit you or not.
Ate clarisse told me how you told her we talked. Then you walked off saying 'I'm fucking pissed off!" Edbie, i dont fucking get it ? why are you pissed. Is it because i wanted to talk in person and tell you how im feeling ?
Well im sorry then. You know how much courage it took to just even talk to you or even hug you? i dont get why you would be angry. Really i dont.
Edbie, I tried. I tried hard and it still didnt work, it still wasnt good enough.
Theres nothing else i couldve done to make it work. I fucking tried, i really did :(
Smile - Charlie Chaplin
Smile tho'your heart is aching,
SmileEven though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,
If you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile-
What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.
This is what i'll do. I'll try to hide my pain but i know ill still feel it. I'll feel it 10x harder but i'll deal with it. I dont want to go cold so the only way out is to feel. I'll smile but people'll know that theres pain behind it but they'll know why.
It's hurting , it's hurting. i want it to go away.
GO AWAY, GO AWAY, GO FUCKING AWAY!
At the beginging of the day, i really thought it would work. I thought that doing that wouldve impressed you, that telling you face to face would really help things. I had nothing else to lose i guess. Talking to you face to face and telling you how much im hurting and miss you was so hard like you dont understand. Talking to you face to face was the worst because i didnt know what was gna happen. I kept saying 'what if' but my friend was like "shariza, no. Dont think 'what if'. It doesnt matter. If you really want him then do it no matter what." so i did and this was what happened.
When i hugged you and felt nothing back, it was the most coldest hug ive ever recieved (well didnt even get a hug back). Not hugging me back cut me like crazy, you said "shariza, if i dont hug you i'll look like a dickhead" yet you still didnt put your arms around me and kept your hands by your side. I wanted to hold on to you longer but there was no use, it'd just hurt me more because you wouldnt have hugged me back anyway.
When you said you couldnt right now, my heart broke into more pieces than it already was. Telling me we couldnt be together this time after trying so hard hurt so much. Even though we talked, i feel like you didnt say everything you did but then again, it might just be the way i think. And i get it now, you have priorities like school and the shit happening with your dad and you dont need me to add on to the problems in your life.
The thing with you is, it doesnt hit you till later on. Even if its in front of your face, you dont see it sometimes. So i did this and i still dno if it hit you or not.
Ate clarisse told me how you told her we talked. Then you walked off saying 'I'm fucking pissed off!" Edbie, i dont fucking get it ? why are you pissed. Is it because i wanted to talk in person and tell you how im feeling ?
Well im sorry then. You know how much courage it took to just even talk to you or even hug you? i dont get why you would be angry. Really i dont.
Edbie, I tried. I tried hard and it still didnt work, it still wasnt good enough.
Theres nothing else i couldve done to make it work. I fucking tried, i really did :(
Smile - Charlie Chaplin
Smile tho'your heart is aching,
SmileEven though it's breaking,
When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,
If you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile-
What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.
This is what i'll do. I'll try to hide my pain but i know ill still feel it. I'll feel it 10x harder but i'll deal with it. I dont want to go cold so the only way out is to feel. I'll smile but people'll know that theres pain behind it but they'll know why.
It's hurting , it's hurting. i want it to go away.
GO AWAY, GO AWAY, GO FUCKING AWAY!
July 5, 2009
I hate love - Claude Kelly
I hate the mornings
Cause I know what they bring
You get up and take a shower in no time, your leaving
And it sounds so selfish
But i cant help but think
That if you knew how much i needed you
Youd stay cause
I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
Ive had enough
Im sick of wishing you was around me every day, every nightits way too much
I hate love yeahh yeahhh
I hate love yeahh woooo
I hate your phone calls
In the middle of the day
Cause you do is remind that my baby is so far away
It drives me crazy
Cause i need you with me
I know its time for you to understand what i say that
I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
Ive had enough
Im sick of wishing you was around me every day, every nightits way too much
I hate love yeahh yeahhh
I dont want to feel this alone
Everytime you walked out that door (I cant help it)
I start missing you (I cant help it no)
Wish I didnt need you this much (I cant help it)
But i love how it feels when we touch
I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
Ive had enough
Im sick of wishing you was around me every day, every nightits way too much
I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
Ive had enoughIm sick of wishing you was around me every day, every nightits way too much
I hate love
I hate love
I hate love
Cause I know what they bring
You get up and take a shower in no time, your leaving
And it sounds so selfish
But i cant help but think
That if you knew how much i needed you
Youd stay cause
I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
Ive had enough
Im sick of wishing you was around me every day, every nightits way too much
I hate love yeahh yeahhh
I hate love yeahh woooo
I hate your phone calls
In the middle of the day
Cause you do is remind that my baby is so far away
It drives me crazy
Cause i need you with me
I know its time for you to understand what i say that
I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
Ive had enough
Im sick of wishing you was around me every day, every nightits way too much
I hate love yeahh yeahhh
I dont want to feel this alone
Everytime you walked out that door (I cant help it)
I start missing you (I cant help it no)
Wish I didnt need you this much (I cant help it)
But i love how it feels when we touch
I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
Ive had enough
Im sick of wishing you was around me every day, every nightits way too much
I hate goodbyes
I hate these tears in my eyes
I hate myself for the way i feel about you everytime
Ive had enoughIm sick of wishing you was around me every day, every nightits way too much
I hate love
I hate love
I hate love
Reminisce.
Throughout these blogs, it seems like i loved you didnt it?
and i think i know why. When we broke up last time, i was so fed up
with the hurt and the pain and i was angry so i just blocked out all of it.
I never missed you, I never wanted to see you, I never reminisced about anything,
I just gave up straight away not wanting any of it. Liking someone else made that all possible.
but now, i think all that has come back because I always miss you, i always want to see you, i reminisce with any spare time i have and Im not ready to give up on you, i dont want to give up on you. All that has caught up with me now and i cant seem to escape it, the thing is i dont think i want to escape it.
Remember that night we had a talk, and you said 'i still feel like we're still in 2007'. I didnt want to admit it to myself but yeeah you were right. So maybe part of the reason why it hurts this much and why i like you heaps more is probably because of that. I was whipped back in the days, and look at me now, writing stupid blogs about how i feel and how much the pain hurts me and how much i still miss you and want to be with you regardless of getting hurt yet again. And you, you felt like you were a dickhead and maybe you were. You used to 'forget' to call me at night sometimes and you did it this time, you wouldnt try a lot for me sometimes and it sounds so familiar even now. Like really, when i was in fils, i used to call you alot and every call was 600 pesos, prolly called you like 5 times. So thats $100 + the taxi's that i paid for was 50$. I spent heaps and usually im poor and i came to think of it, you only drove me home once and nothing special really comes to mind ><.
Whatever happened to ..
From: flipstaz_30@hotmail.com
To: sharizaaa_@hotmail.comSubject:
RE: I'm Bored ;)
SHARIZAAA!!!! >.<
my sister told me ur online
and tell me to go on my laptop lol
im watchin o.c hmmmmz
i downloaded this for u before u went
it makes me think of you so much,
and im like always so close to cryim
always teary
hmmmmmm 3 weeks i cnt wait 3 weeks
i want u backs right now
i miss u alot like you dont understand
hmmmmmmmm yer 3 more exams study for rest of the weeek
ahhhh shariza
I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING
buh not now wen u come backs
if u can wait
olrite this is about same length of urs
so yer
illl ttyl
latahz
i miss u
See, i miss these times. I really miss them. The memories i have with you seem so recent even if they're so many weeks old.
Remember that night you came over and we just stood in front of the mirror because i said that ive never really seen us together like that? Yeah that memory replays in my mind a lot.
And that time we laughed like hardout because you were meant to sing to me, you were meant to sing to me on the 6th of june, but then we broke up on the 24th of may.
When i found out you already made plans with your boys on the friday (pupil free day) we were meant to hang out, i got full cut. Then i found out you already planned to watch terminator with your 'I-Ask Boys' i got cut heaps more. That day i promised myself to never watch any movie i was meant to watch with you. (Fast & Furious 4, Terminator, Transformers and Something else) but i broke it, i watched Transformers and i'd look next to me and see an empty seat and get disappointed because i wished you were there and i remember that we watched the first Transformers together and that was one of the days we got back together.
Before i left for fils, you said I Love You to me but i didnt say it back. Then in another email you put down 'ily' but i didnt say it back and after that, your emails changed. It seemed like you changed, it was like just because i didnt feel the same way, you lost feelings just to level with mine. My friend recently had this problem with her boyfriend, she said I Love You first to him and he didnt say it back but he was happy so she had no problem. After a couple days of saying it and no reply, she started hurting and she told me about it. It hit me. I'm so sorry i didnt say it back, it probably hurt you a lot that i never said it back to you. I think i was just scared to say it again or else i'd fall for you like i did last time, that i'd keep getting hurt like i did last time. But truthfully, i dont know if i loved you or not, i cant exactly say. All i know is, i like you ALOT and it hasnt changed since we broke up. I was in the process of falling for you and thats why its hurting me. Im so sorry i never said it back to you okay? I never saw it in that way.
"Edbie Villanueva at 8:01pm July 4
soft spot??? lol nice nah i will
of course treat it like a girlriend ;)
but without the problems"
I saw that last night and i cried so much. What that says to me is, i give you too many problems. It's that you do want a girlfriend, its just that she can't be me because you know that i give you too many problems to deal with. I got compared to with a puppy. (Y)
Thats great isnt it? It feels like i'll be like this forever and that ill take so long just to get over you. Right now i can't and i still want you. but i think it's too obvious that you dont feel the same way. What i dont get is, why do you always stare when i stare, why is your face always in concern when im looking at you with my sad face, why do you always ask ate clarisse how i am. Why dont you ask me yourself? I wish you did. I hate that i dont know whats going on with you. How i dont know how you feel because i dont know who you talk to about it. Or even if you do talk about it to anyone.
I thought to myself last night, if we were together, you'd call me up around 9ish and tell me about your puppy and say 'it's sooo cute' while i'd say "wtf baybay, i've never heard you say that before in my life'.
yeah its hard. it really is and i cant seem to get over it.
I hate that on the weekends i feel so strong, like i will get over you just like that. I get to school and my confidence goes down the drain. >< it sucks eh?
Almost - Tamia.
" .. I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss
when you never had
Never almost had you.. "
and i think i know why. When we broke up last time, i was so fed up
with the hurt and the pain and i was angry so i just blocked out all of it.
I never missed you, I never wanted to see you, I never reminisced about anything,
I just gave up straight away not wanting any of it. Liking someone else made that all possible.
but now, i think all that has come back because I always miss you, i always want to see you, i reminisce with any spare time i have and Im not ready to give up on you, i dont want to give up on you. All that has caught up with me now and i cant seem to escape it, the thing is i dont think i want to escape it.
Remember that night we had a talk, and you said 'i still feel like we're still in 2007'. I didnt want to admit it to myself but yeeah you were right. So maybe part of the reason why it hurts this much and why i like you heaps more is probably because of that. I was whipped back in the days, and look at me now, writing stupid blogs about how i feel and how much the pain hurts me and how much i still miss you and want to be with you regardless of getting hurt yet again. And you, you felt like you were a dickhead and maybe you were. You used to 'forget' to call me at night sometimes and you did it this time, you wouldnt try a lot for me sometimes and it sounds so familiar even now. Like really, when i was in fils, i used to call you alot and every call was 600 pesos, prolly called you like 5 times. So thats $100 + the taxi's that i paid for was 50$. I spent heaps and usually im poor and i came to think of it, you only drove me home once and nothing special really comes to mind ><.
Whatever happened to ..
From: flipstaz_30@hotmail.com
To: sharizaaa_@hotmail.comSubject:
RE: I'm Bored ;)
SHARIZAAA!!!! >.<
my sister told me ur online
and tell me to go on my laptop lol
im watchin o.c hmmmmz
i downloaded this for u before u went
it makes me think of you so much,
and im like always so close to cryim
always teary
hmmmmmm 3 weeks i cnt wait 3 weeks
i want u backs right now
i miss u alot like you dont understand
hmmmmmmmm yer 3 more exams study for rest of the weeek
ahhhh shariza
I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING
buh not now wen u come backs
if u can wait
olrite this is about same length of urs
so yer
illl ttyl
latahz
i miss u
See, i miss these times. I really miss them. The memories i have with you seem so recent even if they're so many weeks old.
Remember that night you came over and we just stood in front of the mirror because i said that ive never really seen us together like that? Yeah that memory replays in my mind a lot.
And that time we laughed like hardout because you were meant to sing to me, you were meant to sing to me on the 6th of june, but then we broke up on the 24th of may.
When i found out you already made plans with your boys on the friday (pupil free day) we were meant to hang out, i got full cut. Then i found out you already planned to watch terminator with your 'I-Ask Boys' i got cut heaps more. That day i promised myself to never watch any movie i was meant to watch with you. (Fast & Furious 4, Terminator, Transformers and Something else) but i broke it, i watched Transformers and i'd look next to me and see an empty seat and get disappointed because i wished you were there and i remember that we watched the first Transformers together and that was one of the days we got back together.
Before i left for fils, you said I Love You to me but i didnt say it back. Then in another email you put down 'ily' but i didnt say it back and after that, your emails changed. It seemed like you changed, it was like just because i didnt feel the same way, you lost feelings just to level with mine. My friend recently had this problem with her boyfriend, she said I Love You first to him and he didnt say it back but he was happy so she had no problem. After a couple days of saying it and no reply, she started hurting and she told me about it. It hit me. I'm so sorry i didnt say it back, it probably hurt you a lot that i never said it back to you. I think i was just scared to say it again or else i'd fall for you like i did last time, that i'd keep getting hurt like i did last time. But truthfully, i dont know if i loved you or not, i cant exactly say. All i know is, i like you ALOT and it hasnt changed since we broke up. I was in the process of falling for you and thats why its hurting me. Im so sorry i never said it back to you okay? I never saw it in that way.
"Edbie Villanueva at 8:01pm July 4
soft spot??? lol nice nah i will
of course treat it like a girlriend ;)
but without the problems"
I saw that last night and i cried so much. What that says to me is, i give you too many problems. It's that you do want a girlfriend, its just that she can't be me because you know that i give you too many problems to deal with. I got compared to with a puppy. (Y)
Thats great isnt it? It feels like i'll be like this forever and that ill take so long just to get over you. Right now i can't and i still want you. but i think it's too obvious that you dont feel the same way. What i dont get is, why do you always stare when i stare, why is your face always in concern when im looking at you with my sad face, why do you always ask ate clarisse how i am. Why dont you ask me yourself? I wish you did. I hate that i dont know whats going on with you. How i dont know how you feel because i dont know who you talk to about it. Or even if you do talk about it to anyone.
I thought to myself last night, if we were together, you'd call me up around 9ish and tell me about your puppy and say 'it's sooo cute' while i'd say "wtf baybay, i've never heard you say that before in my life'.
yeah its hard. it really is and i cant seem to get over it.
I hate that on the weekends i feel so strong, like i will get over you just like that. I get to school and my confidence goes down the drain. >< it sucks eh?
Almost - Tamia.
" .. I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss
when you never had
Never almost had you.. "
July 3, 2009
Everyday gets harder.
I hate how i still wna be with you because i know people are gna look down on me. I know they only do that for the best but i still hate it. I just saw you walking with that Adriana girl. Really, i dont know what to do because i dont want to let you go but it hurts. I miss you, I miss you but its useless if i do because you probably dont feel the same way. I want the holidays to come, i want you to finish school already so i can just leave my hurting behind. I dont wna see you anymore so i dont have to deal with my feelings, so i wont have to deal with this pain. I miss you so much. Why did we end it? We broke it up and it didnt even fix anything. I never wanted it over and i still dont. I still want you, i still like you heaps, my feelings havent changed one bit. But you on the other hand, i have no idea what you think or how you feel. You probably go off and talk to another girl about everything or you jst want to talk to her. You probably dont feel the same way, your moving on slowly.
I dont know what to do.
I still want you.
Maybe thats my problem aye? It's because im like this. Maybe thats why we never lasted. Maybe because its so hard to be with me or even like me and you just got fed up. Maybe its all my fault that we're like this, that were not together. You said maybe we could try again when your finished school, i hate false hope :( because i always believe it. The last time we spoke you said "ill talk to you later" and i really believe that you would talk to me later. Literally, every night i wait. I wait for a call, a message, a hello on msn, a something from you but it's never gna happen is it ? We're never gna talk again are we?
--
Now in the mornings, i cant ever seem to look at you anymore or else i'd cry every morning. Now i wait for you to walk passed my homeroom, its not like you would notice but still. I always stare at the screen hoping your name would pop up and say "hello" or "heyz" like you always did before. I miss seeing your caller id everytime you wanted to talk, i miss being called 'baby', i miss being that person you'd sit next to on the bus but now that seats reserved for someone else. i miss everything, i miss you.
Forever - Dc Aka 'The Loverboy'
".. Looking back when we were so young
Walking hand in hand, and thought it would last for so long
But as the seasons changed, things didn't stay the same,
Still I wasn't ready to move on. "
I dont know what to do.
I still want you.
Maybe thats my problem aye? It's because im like this. Maybe thats why we never lasted. Maybe because its so hard to be with me or even like me and you just got fed up. Maybe its all my fault that we're like this, that were not together. You said maybe we could try again when your finished school, i hate false hope :( because i always believe it. The last time we spoke you said "ill talk to you later" and i really believe that you would talk to me later. Literally, every night i wait. I wait for a call, a message, a hello on msn, a something from you but it's never gna happen is it ? We're never gna talk again are we?
--
Now in the mornings, i cant ever seem to look at you anymore or else i'd cry every morning. Now i wait for you to walk passed my homeroom, its not like you would notice but still. I always stare at the screen hoping your name would pop up and say "hello" or "heyz" like you always did before. I miss seeing your caller id everytime you wanted to talk, i miss being called 'baby', i miss being that person you'd sit next to on the bus but now that seats reserved for someone else. i miss everything, i miss you.
Forever - Dc Aka 'The Loverboy'
".. Looking back when we were so young
Walking hand in hand, and thought it would last for so long
But as the seasons changed, things didn't stay the same,
Still I wasn't ready to move on. "
July 2, 2009
I just can't. Your still too important.
July 02, 2009
If i dont catch the bus anymore,
its not because i hate you or dislike you because i dont.
Its because somedays i just cant stand to see you always sitting next to the same girl. I know you'se are friends but its just the fact that i know that would've been me everyday. Right by your side & next to you. This wouldve been us if we had'nt ended our relationship, if we were still together.
July 01, 2009.
I hate thinking of how i wasn't enough, or how i wasnt worth being with you. I miss you so much but if i say anything or do anything, it wont help where we are. It wont bring us back together. i always just keep wishing because its the best i can do. Its the only thing i can do. If only the pain was gone, it'll make things easier for both of us. I'd eventually stop crying & hurting like i am right now.
--
I went on facebook yesterday and your status said 'I told you she would date me =].' (this was before i found out you did a quiz with Megan Fox) You fucking don't know how much it hurts. I just wish for the time we were happy and when we were together. I wish for the times when i mattered to you, when i was important. Now things have totally changed and we dont even talk. We dont talk like we used to, we never sit next to eachother on the bus and it fucking kills me now because your always sitting next to another girl. We cant even look at eachother the same. I cant put on a happy face because i know if i do, the pains gna come back around 10 times harder. I hate it, cos there is no WE anymore.
June 30, 2009.
In Geography..
"Change your thoughts, change your life" - Kristianne Sadio.
June 29, 2009.
I'm sitting alone in study, my friends are gone. Nothing else is on my mind but you. Its just so much harder to get over you. You tried and helped me get over you. You make it sound so easy, its because your stronger. You said you weren't doing any better than i am right now, but your wrong. You are doing better, your doing so much better. Your moving on more than i am, you seem happier than i am. We're both carrying pain but i hate it. I looked at you today and i missed you so much. When i see you i cant take it, it makes me wna cry because i know that your not mine anymore.
--
I'm fine whenever im not near you or see you. When i get to school, im happy. The pain isnt as bad but in the back of my mind i know your somewhere near. Once i see you, everything falls. I see you from afar and i start to miss you. I see you happy and i feel like crying. I see you talking to another girl and i get angry. If i see you talking to one of my friends, i get jealous. Jealous because they can talk to you and make it look easy when i know i cant talk to you. I can barely take looking at you. I hate that we go to the same school because everytime i see you, its a constant reminder of the pain i feel and reminds me of how much i still miss you and that i still really want to be with you.
June 28, 2009.
It still hurts. I dont want it to but it does. I hate how i still have hope for you and i dont want it. I hate how you were able to give me hope because now im hurting. I always thing that your gna come back to me. I always hope that we're gna be together again one way or another. I hate that we're not together. It hurts that im not with you. I'm too weak for this, i just want this pain to stop. I really do. Because i know once the pains over, it'll be easier to let go of you and whatever i feel for you. I'll be able to let go of all the times that we spent together. I'll be able to let go of how much i miss you and how often i think of you. I'll be able to move on without thinking your coming back. I hate that we were happy then all of a sudden thing fucked up. I hate how we both thought we'd last long than last time but we only lasted 2 weeks. I hate missing you, i hate the fact that i still feel for you because all i want is you. You hurt me again, like all the other times but i still feel for you. I really dont want to hate you but it seems like its the only way i'd get the pain out. I hate how we were almost there. I hate that i was falling for you again.
Gossip Girl.
Nate: If i dont stop this now, when does it stop?
Jenny: It doesnt stop till you stop it.
Nate: No matter how much we want it or how much we try, its just not working.
Serena: Okay the mans gone, you can let go now
Dan: I dont want to.
Me & you edbie. We're Dan & Serena. We've been fighting over the same thing just in different situations but our feelings have always been there. Serena was scared to walk out the elevator because she felt like once she steps out, its over forever. When we were on the phone, i kept stalling, i didnt want you to go, i didnt want to go, i knew that once i said my goodbye or hung up it'll all be over. I was scared to hang up because i still wanted to be with you.
June 19, 2009.
Its so hard to act like everythings okay, when theyre not. Its hard to act like i dont miss you because your always on my mind. Its hard to act like everythings fine when your near me because its affected me alot. Its hard to pretend im happy, because truthfully ... I'm not.
*sigh
If i dont catch the bus anymore,
its not because i hate you or dislike you because i dont.
Its because somedays i just cant stand to see you always sitting next to the same girl. I know you'se are friends but its just the fact that i know that would've been me everyday. Right by your side & next to you. This wouldve been us if we had'nt ended our relationship, if we were still together.
July 01, 2009.
I hate thinking of how i wasn't enough, or how i wasnt worth being with you. I miss you so much but if i say anything or do anything, it wont help where we are. It wont bring us back together. i always just keep wishing because its the best i can do. Its the only thing i can do. If only the pain was gone, it'll make things easier for both of us. I'd eventually stop crying & hurting like i am right now.
--
I went on facebook yesterday and your status said 'I told you she would date me =].' (this was before i found out you did a quiz with Megan Fox) You fucking don't know how much it hurts. I just wish for the time we were happy and when we were together. I wish for the times when i mattered to you, when i was important. Now things have totally changed and we dont even talk. We dont talk like we used to, we never sit next to eachother on the bus and it fucking kills me now because your always sitting next to another girl. We cant even look at eachother the same. I cant put on a happy face because i know if i do, the pains gna come back around 10 times harder. I hate it, cos there is no WE anymore.
June 30, 2009.
In Geography..
"Change your thoughts, change your life" - Kristianne Sadio.
June 29, 2009.
I'm sitting alone in study, my friends are gone. Nothing else is on my mind but you. Its just so much harder to get over you. You tried and helped me get over you. You make it sound so easy, its because your stronger. You said you weren't doing any better than i am right now, but your wrong. You are doing better, your doing so much better. Your moving on more than i am, you seem happier than i am. We're both carrying pain but i hate it. I looked at you today and i missed you so much. When i see you i cant take it, it makes me wna cry because i know that your not mine anymore.
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I'm fine whenever im not near you or see you. When i get to school, im happy. The pain isnt as bad but in the back of my mind i know your somewhere near. Once i see you, everything falls. I see you from afar and i start to miss you. I see you happy and i feel like crying. I see you talking to another girl and i get angry. If i see you talking to one of my friends, i get jealous. Jealous because they can talk to you and make it look easy when i know i cant talk to you. I can barely take looking at you. I hate that we go to the same school because everytime i see you, its a constant reminder of the pain i feel and reminds me of how much i still miss you and that i still really want to be with you.
June 28, 2009.
It still hurts. I dont want it to but it does. I hate how i still have hope for you and i dont want it. I hate how you were able to give me hope because now im hurting. I always thing that your gna come back to me. I always hope that we're gna be together again one way or another. I hate that we're not together. It hurts that im not with you. I'm too weak for this, i just want this pain to stop. I really do. Because i know once the pains over, it'll be easier to let go of you and whatever i feel for you. I'll be able to let go of all the times that we spent together. I'll be able to let go of how much i miss you and how often i think of you. I'll be able to move on without thinking your coming back. I hate that we were happy then all of a sudden thing fucked up. I hate how we both thought we'd last long than last time but we only lasted 2 weeks. I hate missing you, i hate the fact that i still feel for you because all i want is you. You hurt me again, like all the other times but i still feel for you. I really dont want to hate you but it seems like its the only way i'd get the pain out. I hate how we were almost there. I hate that i was falling for you again.
Gossip Girl.
Nate: If i dont stop this now, when does it stop?
Jenny: It doesnt stop till you stop it.
Nate: No matter how much we want it or how much we try, its just not working.
Serena: Okay the mans gone, you can let go now
Dan: I dont want to.
Me & you edbie. We're Dan & Serena. We've been fighting over the same thing just in different situations but our feelings have always been there. Serena was scared to walk out the elevator because she felt like once she steps out, its over forever. When we were on the phone, i kept stalling, i didnt want you to go, i didnt want to go, i knew that once i said my goodbye or hung up it'll all be over. I was scared to hang up because i still wanted to be with you.
June 19, 2009.
Its so hard to act like everythings okay, when theyre not. Its hard to act like i dont miss you because your always on my mind. Its hard to act like everythings fine when your near me because its affected me alot. Its hard to pretend im happy, because truthfully ... I'm not.
*sigh
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